What a State These Teams Are In

THE COLLEGES No sooner had Columbia (0-infinitum) been declared ineligible for the Bottom Ten’s Woes Bowl (investigators found too many actual students on the team) than a Midwestern state seized control of the rankings. Talk about an embarrassment of riches--Kansas, Kansas State and Wichita State--combining for a total of one (1) win!

Kansas State, in a spectacular Dow Jones-type display, chalked up a deficit of 49 points in just 60 minutes against Oklahoma. Though the Mildcats’ position is secure--they’ll be placed on Nebraska’s plate this week--the devalued Jayhocks of Kansas will be sorely tested against Iowa State (1-5).

Obviously trying to pump up his players, Iowa State Coach Jim Walden likened the teams to “two pit bulldogs with no teeth.”

THE RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. (Tie) Kansas (1-5) 10-35, Colorado Iowa State 1. Kansas St. (0-6) 10-59, Oklahoma Nebraska 1. Wichita St.(0-0) Idle Idle 4. K.C. Leafs (1-4)* 17-26, Denver San Diego 5. Penn State (5-2) 21-48, Syracuse Hiding 6. Iowa State (1-5) 17-42, Missouri Kansas 7. Bill & Mary (2-4) 14-38, Delaware Jim & Dolly** 8. Okla. St.(5-1) 0-35, Nebraska Missouri 9. Happy Miss (2-5) Def.SW La.,24-14 Vanderbilt 10. Houston (1-4) 35-37, Wyoming Arkansas

11. Nevada Circus Circus (2-3); 12. Stanford (2-4) (gave up 589 yards total offense against San Diego State); 13. San Diego State (1-6) (still lost the game!); 14. Northwestern (0-5-1); 15.-19. Pentagon (Army, Navy, Air Force, Virginia Military Institute, The Citadel) (13-18; 20. Idle.

*In Missouri, but within fumbling distance of Kansas.

**Also known as James Madison University.

SPECIAL CITATION: Fresno State Coach Jim Sweeney, waving a red jersey over his head to enliven the home crowd when visiting San Jose State had the ball, proved inspiring--to San Jose State, which came from behind in the final minutes to win, 20-16.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Kansas State (0-6) at Nebraska (6-0) (children under 18 not admitted without an adult).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Kansas (1-5) at Iowa State (1-5).

EX-BIG-NAME-COACHES BOWL: Akron (and Gerry Faust) (2-5) vs. Louisville (and Howard Schnellenberger) (2-4-1).

THE PROS

The real games are about to resume, and the question is whether strikeball flops such as double-fumble Tony Dorsett (Rhinestone Cowboys), Howie Long (L.A. Waiters) and Lawrence Taylor (N.Y. Ants) can avoid being cut.

With the expanded player rosters, there was speculation that the Ants (0-5), experiencing what stockbrokers like to call a “slight correction” after their 14-2 season in 1986, might also take on a second head coach.

Meanwhile, spirits rose at Also-Rams Park in Anaheim when Coach John Robinson revealed that the team roster he put together for this week includes John Elway at quarterback, Jerry Rice at wide receiver and Todd Christensen at tight end.

Like the players, striking Bottom Ten pro selectors returned to work. Not a moment too soon, either. The replacement selectors’ performance was marred by several gaffes, i.e., referring to George Halas as the Chicago Bears’ coach, invoking the infield-fly rule on one high punt. . . .

THE RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Week This Week 1. N.Y. Ants (0-5) 3-6, Buffaloed St. Louis 2. Also-Rams(1-4) 20-24, Atlanta Cleveland 3. Beagles (1-4) 10-16,Lean Bay* Dallas 4. Steinbrenner Piniella Martin 5. Maladroit (1-4) 14-37, Seattle Lean Bay

6. Rhinestone Cowboys (3-2); 7. Indianapolis Dolts (2-3); 8. Cincinnati Bungles (2-3); 9. Minnehaha (2-3); 10. N.Y. Jets Groundskeepers (failed to halt a squirrel from making a 50-yard broken-field run into the end zone on national television).

*Oaf Time.

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: St. Louis (2-3) at N.Y. Ants (0-5).

QUOTEBOOK: Lean Bay Coach Forrest Gregg, asked whether his replacement team (2-1) was as good as his regular team (0-1-1): “That’s a stupid question.” (Sure--but what’s the answer?)