Maybe Malone Can Find Friends in His Hometown

True story. A guy drives his car off the road, onto the sidewalk and through one of the gates at Pittsburgh’s Three Rivers Stadium.

He drives underneath a runway and runs into a 70-pound vat of nacho cheese. Appetizers for everyone. He backs up and drives along the outer ramps until he reaches the third level. He parks and gets out. He runs down to the football field.

When the cops find him, he is at the 50-yard line, kicking imaginary field goals.

First thing they ask, what kind of mental anguish could have led you to this? What horrible thing could have made you want to act like this?

The man says it was Mark Malone.

True story.

“So I heard,” said Malone, Steeler quarterback, occupant of the hottest seat in Pittsburgh that doesn’t involve a mask and blowtorch. “Lately, I guess I’ve been making for interesting reading.”

Not to mention interesting booing, ridiculing, banner writing and disc jockeys holding interesting auditions for a Steeler quarterback by hanging tires in downtown Pittsburgh.

Not to mention the interesting Mr. Kevin Cramer of Burgettstown, Pa., who earlier wrote the following letter to a Pittsburgh paper: “If it takes a strike to get Mark Malone off the football field, let them stay out all season.”

That letter, by the way, almost didn’t make print. Too caustic? Too unoriginal.

El Cajon’s Mark Malone returns home today, bringing the Steelers to San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium to meet the Chargers Sunday. Not that he needs to feel welcome or anything, but would it be too unprofessional for somebody to run down from the stands and give him a hug?

Said Malone: “It will be nice to be playing in front of people who like me for me, not for the way I throw the football.”

At age 29 and weary, Malone is struggling through the most unbelievable drama to take place in Pittsburgh since “Flashdance.”

He is the leader of the city’s most revered institution. He looks like Tom Selleck. His charitable works seem like a United Way commercial. He signs autographs as if somebody were paying him by the ink.

His team is 7-5, tied for first in the AFC Central and in good shape for its first playoff berth in three years. The last time the Steelers qualified, in 1984, Malone led them to the AFC championship game.

And he is hated. Absolutely, positively hated.

“It is terrible what Mark has had to endure,” said Steeler Coach Chuck Noll to Pittsburgh reporters.

Fans say it is terrible what they have to endure.

Of the NFL’s 26 ranked quarterbacks in pass efficiency, Malone is a very dead last. His 47.8 rating is 15 points behind the 25th-ranked Randy Wright of Green Bay.

In touchdown pass percentage, last. Only 2.3% of his passes have gone for touchdowns.

In average yards per completion, last. Only 5.38 yards. Two NFL running backs--Raider Bo Jackson and Viking Darrin Nelson--gain more yards every time they run the ball.

In touchdown passes, tied for last (six). He has more than twice as many interceptions (14).

In bad jokes, first. Pete Axthelm of ESPN recently said: “To Magic Johnson and Bob Cousy, add Mark Malone as the greatest bounce passers of all time.”

Said Malone: “All of those are stats, and stats are numbers, and you can do anything with numbers. In my mind the most important stat is who gets their team to the playoffs.”

The Steeler fans don’t quite agree. Or so they have said.

The Steeler fans boo when he is introduced, so much that the offense has been introduced only once this season.

They boo when he takes the field to start a series. They boo when he leaves the field after a series.

They boo his incompletions. They boo his sacks. For goodness’ sake, they boo his handoffs.

When he does well? Silence.

The last time he has been really cheered? When he was injured.

His Steeler teammates are furious.

“There is no reason to subject Mark or anyone else to the kind of abuse he has had to take,” center Mike Webster told reporters there. “Criticism is one thing. What has happened to Mark is out and out slander.”

As for the current emotional state of Malone, who has spent six years in Pittsburgh and has seen the same thing happen to both Terry Bradshaw, early in his career, and Cliff Stoudt? Just ask him.

Is it time to request a trade?

“Never in a million years. I would not give anybody the satisfaction. It will be a cold day in hell before I give anybody the satisfaction.”

Time to rip the fans?

“No way. I’m not going to give anybody the pleasure of seeing me lash out.”

Aren’t you even mad?

“It’s too outrageous to get mad about. Their criticism is like you or me telling a brain surgeon what to do. It’s like us holding auditions downtown for a brain surgeon. It makes no sense. But it’s their right.”

In other words, Malone recognizes the boos, endures the boos, is frustrated by the boos . . . but never quite hears them. Perhaps because he’s too busy listening to himself.

His secret, it seems, is that as he handles the boos, he handles the football. Just when things get their worst, he gets his best.

Although he came from a backup role in 1984 to lead the Steelers to that surprise AFC championship trip, starting nine of the final 10 games, in Malone’s ensuing three years as a regular starter the club has gone 20-24. But always with great and rotten streaks.

Take last season. His terrible start led to a 1-4 record before Malone exited with a thumb injury. A good two games by backup Bubby Brister encouraged more fan uprising, but Malone came back to lead them to wins in five of the last nine games.

Then came the start of this season, where, in the final game before the strike, he threw five interceptions in a 34-10 loss to Cleveland. That lowered his quarterback rating to an unheard-of depth of 17.2.

Then Malone, once again, found a way to get even.

In the Steelers’ first game after the strike, Pittsburgh fans treated him as badly--according to local experts--as they have ever treated anyone. And these are fans who like to throw batteries at 6-foot-5 outfielders.

The boos were constant, the hate seemed real. Few knew that Malone’s wife, Mary Ellen, had undergone surgery two days earlier to remove what might have been a cancerous growth from her neck. They wouldn’t know the results for a week. In the first half, Malone went 6 for 15 for only 53 yards and the Steelers trailed, 14-3. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take.

“It was a very, very difficult time,” Malone said. “You throw an incompletion and are waiting for everybody to come back to the huddle, you’d be lying to say you don’t hear the boos a little.

“But I guess I never have been very good at just sitting around and taking things.”

And in the second half he went 12 for 15 with 165 yards and a touchdown. The Steelers scored 13 points in the final period. They won, 23-20. Malone was given a game ball.

“You see, I never have played for the fans,” Malone said. “I’ve played for myself and my family.”

Later that week, Malone found out his wife did not have cancer. He thinks he’ll keep that game ball.

Charger Notes

The Chargers have announced two activations for Sunday’s game--linebacker Steve Busick and offensive lineman Curtis Rouse. It will be Busick’s first action since being signed as a free agent Oct. 16.

Then There’s Malone

Passing rating 1. Montana, SF 100.9

26. Malone, Pitt 47.8

Yards per completion 1. Wilson, Minn 8.47

26. Malone, Pitt 5.38

Touchdown passes 1. Montana, SF 29

25t. Malone, Pitt 6

TD pass percentage 1. Krieg, Seat 7.9

26. Malone, Pitt 2.3