Let’s See If Santa Is a Real Sport

All right, Santa, never mind with the ho-ho-ho-ing and all those Christmas ties and cordless phones, boxes of cream candies and bottles of cordial, let us tell you what we really want for Christmas!

How about a Super Bowl in which one team isn’t hopelessly outclassed? We haven’t had one since the Carter Administration.

How about getting the Chicago Cubs in the World Series? And playing afternoon games?

How about an American tennis champion who doesn’t (1) pout; (2) curse; (3) whine; (4) abuse the umpires; (5) make obscene gestures to the crowd? One who doesn’t confirm our image abroad as the Ugly Americans. Another Arthur Ashe would be nice. Or Jack Kramer.

How about giving the Raiders a quarterback?

How about giving the Rams a wide receiver, preferably one who can hang onto the ball?

How about giving Tom Landry one more set of flex defense players so he can show the world how the game should be played just once more?

How about giving golf another Nicklaus, Palmer, Hogan or Snead? Someone who can stand the pressure of being a star long enough to remain one?

How about giving baseball another Pete Rose? Someone who can talk as well as he plays. A Rose by any other name.

How about giving the Dodgers--well, let’s see, a first baseman, second baseman, third baseman, shortstop, outfielder, relief pitcher, starting pitcher. What do you give a guy who has nothing?

How about giving Gene Mauch a World Series to manage? Talk about Sam Snead never winning an Open! Tom Kelly gets in a Series first crack out of the box? Give us a break!

How about giving Gene Shue a hand? Or better yet a center?

How about giving Benoit Benjamin a wake-up call?

How about giving us a totally unboycotted Olympics?

How about a Super Bowl for Chuck Knox? A class act for 25 years who deserves one.

How about finding me an Al Martino album? One with “Mary In the Morning” on it?

How about another Swaps for California racing? Put Bill Shoemaker on him.

How about a Kentucky Derby for Wayne Lukas? A filly would be nice.

How about giving Danny Sullivan a fast car and a clear track?

How about letting the Detroit Tigers keep Kirk Gibson? Because it will mean the Dodgers keep Pedro Guerrero.

How about getting the lawyers out of the America’s Cup yacht races? Before they turn it into a canoe race.

How about some consideration of Dennis Conner as Sportsman of The Year? You know anybody who worked harder, studied his opposition more and gave away the home-court advantage and won going away?

How about another Olympics for L.A.? Say, in 2004?

How about an opponent for Iron Mike Tyson? Someone who can fight back.

How about Bo Jackson making up his mind? He can’t keep two sports standing on tiptoe waiting to be kissed for 20 years. Can he?

How about letting the Lakers have the next Ralph Sampson that comes along? Why didn’t you let them have the first one?

How about giving the Rams some football players for all those pieces of paper they have? Another Dennis Harrah, for example. A Jack Youngblood. But, please, no more Eric Dickersons. Someone who means what he signs.

How about giving the Raiders another Cliff Branch? Passes to halfbacks are boring.

How about making Magic Johnson play blindfolded to even things up a bit?

How about telling Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: “OK, you win! Take the league home with you and put it up on your wall. Call us when you get to be 60!”

How about giving the fight game a commissioner who can consolidate the divisions and the champions into a recognizable whole? That way, we won’t have to take a crowd shot of the welterweight champion The light-heavyweight champion won’t be a car pool.

How about if I take the rest of the day off? It’s Christmas, you know. How about if you all have a merry one?