So, What if Super Bowl XXII Lands Here With a Splash?

Everything is set for Super Bowl XXII. Even the teams. Say hello to the Washington Redskins and Denver Broncos and heaven knows exactly how many visitors clad in red or orange.

It’s almost time to roll out the carpet and beat the drums.

Hotels lined up, seating in place, rental cars tuned, limos polished, caterers ordered, party tents pitched, security secured, souvenirs stockpiled and . . . the list is endless.

One item remains a troublesome and uncontrollable unknown.

Weather.

Could it rain on this parade?

What if . . .

That’s right. What if Super Sunday had been the Sunday we just endured?

Gasp.

San Diego’s presentation to the NFL in May 1984 included a 24-page booklet extolling the virtues of this fairest of cities. The 23rd page dealt with weather, almost as if it were an afterthought unworthy of serious concern.

The average high temperature for the month of January was 73 degrees, the low 54.1. The total average rainfall for the month was listed at 1.48 inches, which fell over an average of 2 1/2 days.

And the last entry on the last page, which was one last San Diego Super Bowl checklist, said:

” America’s most ideal January climate.”

All of this flashed through my mind Sunday afternoon when driving rain and 65-mile-per-hour wind turned streets into rivers, wrenched branches from trees and trees from the ground and turned rippling surf into raging waves.

On this Sunday, the high temperature was 57, the low was 41, and almost an inch of rain fell. On this Sunday, the final round of the Tournament of Champions was washed away for the first time in its history. On this Sunday, even the zoo closed early . . . not to be reopened until Tuesday.

Nature can take longterm research and turn it upside down at a whim. Nature does not take kindly to master plans.

Though the Super Bowl booklet said 78.5% of San Diego days in January are sunny, nature won’t allow itself to be taken for granted.

Nature is the boss, the bottom line.

So what would it be like if nature dealt such an unruly hand a week from Sunday?

Perhaps we need a new checklist. Call it a worst-case scenario should nature misbehave as badly as it did Sunday.

Getting to the stadium

To begin with, don’t worry about the usual transportation. I would suggest kayaks, jet skis or maybe getting some friends together and chartering the Bahia Belle. Given a little bit of wind--like a few knots less than we had Sunday--and a catamaran or windsurfer might be appropriate. Dennis Conner could probably bring Stars & Stripes.

The Redskins and Broncos would show up in either arks or aircraft carriers instead of buses.

As for parking fees, you would pay according to the length of your craft, the way it’s done at marinas.

Tailgate parties

Tailgate parties? Are you kidding? In what? Life boats?

OK, some people, we’ll call them compulsive tailgaters, will parking-lot picnic in any conditions. Just don’t forget to bring an anchor . . . and a blow torch might be handy to get the charcoal started, not that it will stay ablaze for long.

As for the menu, just cook whatever you catch. Bass, trout, catfish. You might even find that a halibut or two will find their way from the bay.

And watch out for game wardens.

Souvenirs

We’re talking whole new lines of unexpected goodies. You’ve seen the mugs, T-shirts, blankets, bibs, sweat shirts, calendars, bumper stickers, hats, ash trays, bobble-head dolls, lamp shades, coins, key chains and forever onward.

I would assume that some enterprising entrepreneurs are now hastily stamping Super Bowl XXII logos on . . . life preservers, rain coats, umbrellas, galoshes, waders, fishing tackle, sails, oars, outboard motors, windshield wipers, sand bags and rubber rafts.

These will be sold in the parking lot by vendors on water skis.

Seating

The well-equipped fan will have no trouble getting into the stadium itself, provided he or she has a Super Bowl XXII life preserver or a Super Bowl XXII rubber raft or Super Bowl XXII waders. I would just suggest that it would not be wise to wear your Raider waders here in San Diego.

The seats themselves will be kept quite dry as long as you have the foresight to bring along an ample supply of Super Bowl XXII bath towels. The Super Bowl XXII umbrella will be a must.

By the way, should you be going to the game without tickets, be forewarned that end zone seats under the overhang will sell for $5,000 each. A 50-yard-line seat in the open will sell for about $5.

Also, don’t buy those temporary field-level seats in the end zones unless you have a periscope and SCUBA gear or both--undoubtedly available in Super Bowl XXII models.

The game

Super Bowl games have been played under domes, but never under water. This would be a first.

Twenty-eight NFL teams started the season and only two remain, and now they will play a game of water polo for the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

I don’t pretend to know which of these teams is likely to win such a match, but Denver is favored by three. I assume they mean goals.