Opening Day: Bright Lights, Big Season

Mamie van Doren was dancing with Bo Belinsky one night during spring training in Palm Springs, and it was getting late. The pitcher had to be in bed, by himself, by midnight.

The Angel told the actress: “I’m sorry, I gotta go, or I’ll miss bed check.”

Mamie told Bo: “I know, honey. I’m dancing as fast as I can.”

Well, baseball lovers, once again it is getting late. Time for all good little ballplayers to be present and accounted for. Time to play ball. Time to buy me some peanuts and CrackerJack, and all those other artery hardeners. Time to watch Wade hit, Ozzie field, Nolan throw and Rickey run. Time to visit Boston’s wall, Kansas City’s fountains, Milwaukee’s bratwursts and Texas’ mosquitoes. Time to inspect Wrigley’s lights. Wrigley’s lights!

Gone are Steve Garvey, Reggie Jackson, Doug DeCinces, Phil Niekro and Gene Mauch. Still hanging around are Tommy John, Don Sutton, Steve Carlton and Gene Garber. Darrell Evans keeps swinging. So does Jose Cruz. Forty isn’t fatal. Their arms and eyes still work. As Hank Aaron once said when Yogi Berra advised him to turn his bat’s trademark around: “Didn’t come up here to read. Came up here to hit.”

We baseball fans, being know-it-alls, already know what’s going to happen over the next six months. We have all the answers, as do those misguided souls who honestly believe that the Mets will win their division, or that the Yankees do not have enough pitching to win theirs. They have enough pitching. They’ll be great this season, provided the owner doesn’t trade Dave Winfield for three magic beans.

The American League East race, which starts today, will be as interesting as next Monday’s Oscar race. Contenders include George (The Last Emperor) Steinbrenner and the Yankees; George Bell and Jimy Williams (Fatal Attraction) and the Blue Jays; the Red Sox (Hope) and the Orioles (Glory); and, last but not least, Willie (My Life As a Dog) Hernandez and the Tigers. Oh, by the way, broadcast the news that the Brewers and Indians aren’t that bad.

We get the feeling this will be the year somebody such as the Mariners or Rangers finally bust loose and win something. If those nice young men, the Minnesota Twins, and their personality-of-a-dead-fish manager, Tom Kelly, can win the World Series, there is no reason to think Seattle or Texas cannot. Guys to keep eyes on: Mickey Brantley of the M’s and Ruben Sierra of the Rangers, a couple of outfielders who swing their bats more viciously than Al Capone did in “The Untouchables.”

The Pirates, this year’s so-called sleeper team, probably will let everybody down, same way last season’s Indians did. That is why we look for the Indians to do better this time; nobody’s looking for them. No pressure. No worries, mate. Pittsburgh looks good on paper, but you know what happens to paper. Either it blows away, or you throw it in the garbage.

As much as we hate to say it, we like the Cardinals in the National League East. We only hate to say it because we are sick of seeing St. Louis in the playoffs. But, Whitey will find a way, probably sneaking into first place in September while Darryl Strawberry is busy in New York denying that he just called Keith Hernandez and Gary Carter a couple of transsexual Nazi vivisectionists.

We like Cincinnati in the other National League division, by virtue of the Cleveland theory again. Nobody’s looking for the Reds this time. We see big things from newcomer pitcher Danny Jackson, from holdover outfielder Kal Daniels and from Manager Pete Rose, star of My Life Working for a St. Bernard.

Award winners?

AMERICAN LEAGUE MVP--Jose Canseco, A’s, or Kirby Puckett, Twins. AL CY YOUNG--Mike Witt, Angels, or Lee Smith, Red Sox. AL JACKIE ROBINSON--Brady Anderson, Red Sox, or Walt Weiss, A’s. AL COMEBACK OF THE YEAR--Dan Quisenberry, Royals, or Tony Armas, Angels. AMERICAN LEAGUE LVP--Anybody in bullpen, Orioles.

NATIONAL LEAGUE MVP--Eric Davis, Reds, or Will Clark, Giants. NL CY YOUNG--Danny Cox, Cardinals, or Doc Gooden, Mets. NL JACKIE ROBINSON--Jeff Treadway, Reds, or Jose Lind, Pirates. NL COMEBACK OF THE YEAR--Mario Soto, Reds, or Tim Leary, Dodgers. NATIONAL LEAGUE LVP--Bob Knepper, Astros.

Look for big years from Jimmy Key, Chili Davis, Cory Snyder, Rick Rhoden, Ryne Sandberg, George Brett and, without a doubt, Wally Joyner. Look for better years from Jesse Barfield, Greg Walker, Mark Gubicza, Chris Brown, Gerald Perry, Bo Jackson and, without a doubt, Gary Pettis.

Watch a kid with the Giants named Mike Aldrete show you what a sweet swing looks like, and watch a Cubbie named Mark Grace turn up in a month or two and show you the same swing. Grab Bobby Bonilla from the Pirates for your rotisserie roster, and bet on Chuck Tanner in the first-manager-fired pool.

The manager who has been with the same club the longest is Tom Lasorda, whose last two clubs have aged him about four seasons. The manager who has been with his club the shortest is Cookie Rojas, who works about 40 miles up the pike. Both men have their hands full.

Regarding the Dodgers, Lasorda will be happy as a clam on a plate of linguine if the 2,000-year-old man, Don Sutton, and last year’s 3-11 struggler, Leary, look as good in April as they did in March. Jesse Orosco will not be hit very hard, except possibly by Kirk Gibson, but we’re not so sure about Jay Howell. Fernando will average 200 pitches a start, although he will absolutely refuse to keep pitching past the 15th inning, and Orel will have a tonsillectomy, a lobotomy, a vasectomy and a dichotomy to go along with his appendectomy, but will miss only two starts.

Around the horn, the Dodgers are more like a clarinet. They’re a little thin. Nothing will get by Pedro Guerrero at third or Mike Marshall at first if they sprawl out flat, like goaltenders. These guys are big. The Dodgers are hitting fools, but we hope they won’t be fielding fools. We see Steve Sax having a good season, and we see Mike Scioscia always having a good season, and we see Mike Devereaux leaving New Mexico long before September.

Yes, this team can win the division. We like Mad Marge’s Cincinnati Reds and Bob Lurie’s Denver Giants a little better, but yes, the Dodgers can win the division.

We are a bit less sanguine about the Angels, because if this team is to last until September, Mike Witt had better be built like RoboCop. We hope Kirk McCaskill, Dan Petry and Donnie Moore are as sound of body as they are of mind, but secretly we wonder if it’s too late to get Ron Romanick back.

We also wonder if Johnny Ray, maybe in a package, might be enough to pry Winfield from Steinbrenner. Are we the only people in California who think Brian Downing should be in left field and Ray should be the DH? Maybe so. Anyway, that’s Rojas’ headache, now, and we wish him the best.

If Cookie wins a World Series in his first year as manager, at least Anaheim will get a new stadium out of it. Gene Mauch will burn this one down.