It’s Capital Punishment : Washington Is Schizophrenic About Baseball

We’ve finally reached a point of such complex confusion that everything about major league baseball for Washington is true. And so is its opposite. Will Washington get an expansion franchise someday?

Yes. Someday is a long time. Does anybody have the foggiest idea when or how?

No. Baseball has decided to continue its longstanding Ueberroth Expansion Doctrine of jerking the chain of every city in America that’s demographically superior to Lapland. Is last Sunday’s exhibition game at RFK Stadium between the Mets and Orioles a good tool for showing baseball owners that Washington can fill a big park for a little game?

Yes. While owners, as a group, can barely fathom baseball, they can all grasp money. Was last Sunday’s game also something of a ripoff with tickets ($5.50 to $20.50) that are more expensive than those of most regular season big league games?

Yes, that’s true, too. Washington proved its support--and, perhaps, its gullibility--last year with an in-advance sellout. The point doesn’t need to be made again. Fans should only go this year if they think the game merits it; forget D.C.-baseball loyalty. Should Washington fans support the Baltimore Orioles?

Of course. Why not? The Birds are no substitute for a Washington franchise, but they certainly are, and have been, a wonderful alternative to nothing. Just think of the ’88 Orioles as the reincarnation of the ’58 Senators. If Washington fans were smart, would they boycott the Orioles?

If it were feasible, that would probably be the fastest way to get a team in Washington--i.e., the Orioles. Baltimore can support a team only because Greater Washington provides more than 25% of all ticket purchases. Without Washington support, Baltimore would probably lose baseball just as it has lost the Colts and the Bullets. Is an effective boycott possible?

No way. Baseball is too appealing. Is Baltimore’s proposed new ballpark bad news for Washington?

Absolutely. The Inner Harbor is 20 minutes closer to RFK Stadium than Memorial Stadium. Thus, arguments for one regional franchise are stronger. Is the new Camden Yards project a boon to D.C. area fans?

Obviously. Washington hasn’t had a team for 17 years. Who enjoys driving an hour or more to see a game? Washington fans should embrace a good break when they get it. Think of it. A new ballpark--paid for by Marylanders. Maybe better parking. Definitely less travel time. Is RFK Stadium a viable major league park?

Of course. With retracting left field stands (which can be constructed for a few million dollars), RFK would practically be a clone of parks in Atlanta (same architectural plans), Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and St. Louis. Nobody wants to tear down those relatively modern ballparks. Would a new stadium in Northern Virginia, supplanting RFK, improve Washington’s chances for a franchise in the 1990s?

You bet. By then, the Orioles’ new park would exist. A Washington franchise could argue that it had shifted its marketing center southward to soften the attendance blow for Baltimore and pull in fans from as far away as Richmond. Would Jack Kent Cooke make a good baseball owner?

Yes. He’s enormously rich, generous with his teams and one of the few bosses in sport who hires smart executives and then leaves them alone. From the Lakers to the Kings to the Redskins, he’s defined a passionate and successful, yet hands-off, style of ownership. Does Cooke’s open interest in a team actually hurt Washington’s chances?

Yes. Cooke is not at all popular among baseball owners, who view him as a potential loose cannon in the Ted Turner or George Steinbrenner mold. Cooke’s signing of Wilber Marshall--breaking the NFL’s anti-free agent pattern of more than a decade--probably killed any chance he had of owning a major league team. Cooke’s only chance is if the Marshall signing turns out to be an NFL management ploy to improve the league’s legal position. That seems far-fetched. Are Oliver Carr and Ted Lerner good examples of a responsible, low-key, home-grown potential ownership group?

You bet. A couple of sweethearts. Are Carr and Lerner hurting the capital’s chances every day?

Yes. That’s true, too. They’re so classy, so determined not to be brassy like Cooke, that they’re invisible to the point of being useless. Baseball people view Cooke as a peripheral figure, at best, and don’t know that anybody else with vast wealth is available. Lerner and Carr--or somebody--better start beating a drum and campaigning. Is it ridiculous for any city to get a team ahead of Washington?

Absolutely. Denver and Phoenix, in their dreams, in their fantasies, pray that someday, just mabye, when they’re all grown up, they will be as rich, smart, young, powerful and beautiful as Washington.

That’s spelled W-A-S-H-I-N-G-T-O-N, as in Nation’s Capital. As in, political center of the free world. As in, eighth largest market in America. As in, No. 1 market in America in per-capita income. As in No. 1 market in America in median education. Also, No. 1 in youngest average age of any city in the country. Are local government and civic leaders helping the baseball cause?

Yes. The D.C. Baseball Commission was overdue; its “Baseball in ‘87” bumper stickers and its interest-bearing ticket accounts were a perfectly honorable idea. How were they to know that new commissioner Ueberroth had no idea whatsoever what he was talking about? Should Washington fans give up hope and resign themselves to a life of Orioles or nothing?

Yes and no. Hope is a tormenting thing. But if hope and trying end, Fiji will have a team before Washington.

All of this leaves Washingtonians in a justifiably schizophrenic state. On Sunday in RFK Stadium, thousands of fans may be tempted to try an act as tricky as patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time.

How do you applaud and boo simultaneously?