Columbia Returns to Its Position as Gem of Losers

The Colleges

Late in the UCLA-California game, the cry went up in the stands: “No. 1! No. 1!” Obviously, the fans were proclaiming Cal No. 1 in the Bottom Ten because of the Bears’ 0-3 conference record.

However, the Bottom Ten selectors saw otherwise, moving Columbia to No. 1. The Lions ran their latest losing streak to one--be patient, fans--with a 10-24 reversal against previously (and subsequently) winless Yale. But Columbia (1-3) did maintain its proud record of almost always winning a game in years in which a presidential election is held.

Meanwhile, the Big Ten, which failed for the second straight week to win a nonconference game, moved up to No. 3 in the Bottom Ten. And No. 13 Auburn was forced to use 100 players in order to edge Akron. Good thing the Tigers have a strong bench.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Columbia (1-4) 10-24, Yale Bucknell 2. Miamis* (4-8) Swept Swept? 3. (Tie)Ill. (4-2) d. Wisc., 34-6 Mich. St. Indiana (5-0-1) d. Mineha, 33-13 Michigan Iowa (3-2-2) Tied Bo, 17-17 Purdon’t Michigan (3-2-1) Tied Iowa, 17-17 Indiana Mich. St. (1-4-1) d. N’west, 36-3 Illinois Minneha (2-3-1) 13-33, Indiana Ohio St. N’west (0-5-1) 3-36, Mich. St. Wisconsin Ohio St. (2-4) Darkest Day III Minneha Purdon’t (3-3) d. Ohio St., 31-26 Iowa Wisconsin (0-6) 6-34, Ill. N’western

13. Auburn (0-1)**; 14. Texas (3-3); 15. Arizona State (3-3); 16. Oklahoma QBs (held to 61 yards passing vs. Kansas State); 17. Air Force (air defense gave up 620 yards); 18. Idle; 19. Pitt (3-3); 20. Yale (1-3-1).

*Combined record of Miami (Fla.), Miami (O.) and Miami (Miss.).

**Record against teams with more than two victories.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Indiana (5-0-1) over Michigan (3-2-1).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Miami’s Jimmy Johnson vs. Miami-Notre Dame officials.

GREAT MOMENTS IN BROADCASTING: Washington, trailing USC, 27-28, with time running out, lined up for an obvious on-sides kick, inspiring ABC broadcaster Keith Jackson to say: “I’d call a fair catch.” (Uh, not on an onsides kick, Keith)

HOUSTON, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT . . . : Putting up some big numbers this week, Houston scored 82 points against Tulsa and registered 250 alleged National Collegiate Athletic Assn. infractions (both season highs in the nation).

The Pros

Pitt Bay Coach Chuck Noll calls inhumane Houston one of the dirtiest teams in football and, sure enough Sunday, the Oilers were penalized 105 yards to just 58 for the prim-and-proper Steelers. Houston also won, 34-14, enabling Pitt Bay to vault ahead of Tampa Bay and Green Bay in the marine-life division.

Polls taken by the media in Green Bay last week had indicated that 85% of the fans wanted Don Majkowski to start at quarterback, 14% recommended Randy Wright and one voter suggested Orel Hersheiser. Hersheiser was rejected out of hand since his throws tend to break down into the dirt instead of traveling straight.

Majkowski, however, pitched the Packers to a 34-14 victory over fast-fading Minnesota. Tampa kept up the tradition of the Bays, however, with a 31-35 loss to the Dickersons of Indianapolis. Tampa’s unbeatable formula for losing is to fall hopelessly behind early--the Buccaneers have been outscored, 0-71, in the first quarter.

Meanwhile, after the Jets’ 14-37 rout by Buffalo, actress Brigitte Nielsen announced she was leaving defensive end Mark Gastineau to marry Pee-wee Herman.

The Rankings: Bay Division

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Pitt Bay (1-6) 14-34, Houston Denver 2. Tampa Bay (2-5) 31-35, Dickersons Minnesota 3. Green Bay (2-5) d. Minn., 34-14 Washington

Land Division

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Detroit (1-6) 10-30, N.J. Giants Kansas City 2. Philadelphia (3-4) 3-19, Cleveland Dallas 3. Kansas City (1-5-1) 17-27, Bo Detroit 4. San Diego (2-5) 28-31, Miami Dickersons 5. L.A. Kings (4-2) 4-11, Calgary Edmonton

America’s Division

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Dallas (2-5) 7-17, Chicago Philadelphia

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Denver (4-3) at Pitt Bay (1-6).

THE MAGIC 1,000-YARD PLATEAU: Inhumane Houston, already penalized 674 yards in 7 games, is not only on a pace to reach four figures but should break the all-time National Football League record of 1,274 yards held by--who else?--the 1969 Raiders of Oakland, who used to be vicious before they discovered Hollywood.