Commentary : Look for Bullets in Lottery Lineup

Some of you will want to clip and save this, to send it back to me at some future date in the unlikely event that not all of these predictions come true. I’ve gotten columns back before -- once, notably, with packets of salt and pepper enclosed to make the eating of one column picking the Twins over the Cardinals more palatable. Cute. Too hastily, the letter writer sent the column to me with the Cards up, 3-2. They went back to the Dome for Games 6 and 7, and you know the rest. I mailed the column back with a photo of Chef Paul Prudhomme and two of those individual tins of jam you get at a Hyatt.

Okay, let’s get to the big stuff before they tell you to turn inside:

The last four teams left in the NBA playoffs will be Utah and the Lakers in the West, Cleveland and Atlanta in the East.

The Bullets will not make the playoffs. (More about them later.)

Kareem will ponder not retiring. The Lakers will panic at the prospect.

Hubie Brown will go off on such technical, argot-saturated tangents you’ll pray for some team to give him a coaching job just to get him off the air.

The Clippers, Lottery Lifers, will be there again.

John Salley, a formidable candidate for the first tongue transplant, will not stop talking.

Rick Pitino will take credit for everything in basketball, beginning with the invention of the jump shot.

Don’t worry, be happy; somebody, somewhere will give Michael Jordan a shoe deal, perhaps a big-game hunting shoe, Bear Jordan.

Rik Smits will not make them forget Steve Stipanovich, who never made them forget Mel Daniels. This will be Jack Ramsay’s last year at Indiana. Among the names mentioned as a replacement will be Larry Brown’s.

The Bullets, inexplicably so enamored of Wake Forest that since 1981 they have drafted three Deacons No. 1 -- none of whom remain -- will try to persuade Danny Ferry to transfer.

Mel (Dinner Bell) Turpin, who attempted to trade himself to the Bullets, but landed, instead, in Spain, will not be missed.

Dave (The Rave) Feitl will be better than you thought, but, alas, not as good as you hoped, especially if you were hoping for Bill Russell.

At the end of the playoffs last season, I wrote that neither the Lakers nor the Pistons would be back in the finals in 1989. I may have to eat half of that. My people (and although we don’t have the time to scout high school ball, we’re all over the pros like white on rice) rate them the best team in Los Angeles. Outside of Kareem, 41, and Mychal Thompson, 33, they’re a young team, and Kareem can still get 18 points seven games out of 10 in the narcoleptic regular season. As long as Magic Johnson -- five titles, seven NBA finals in his nine seasons -- is there to set them up, James Worthy and Byron Scott are all-stars. A.C. Green gets better each season. And if he’s healthy in body and mind, Orlando Woolridge should be a perfect fit. Pat (Have Your Tailor Call My Tailor) Riley probably won’t have anything heavier on his mind than the lacquer content of his hair spray.

Detroit, on the other hand, is yesterday’s news. Adrian Dantley, Vinnie Johnson and James Edwards are all 32. Bill Laimbeer’s fun, if you want a 6-11 two-guard, and Rick Mahorn’s next gig will be Wrestlemania. If Magic’s planning on kissing someone at tip-off of the finals, the smart money’s on Moses.

Utah stands the best chance of unseating the Lakers in the West. The Jazz basically stood pat, hanging their hopes on great young talents, Karl Malone and John Stockton, and an invigorating seven-game playoff series with the Lakers. The East’s prime contenders are Cleveland, a young team with scorers at every position, and perpetual bridesmaid Atlanta, which signed Moses Malone and Reggie Theus (and petitioned David Stern for the right to use three balls at once) to finally get the Hawks to the altar. Boston? See Franco.

Three teams to watch carefully are Phoenix, Denver and the Knicks. Phoenix, recently a boneyard, is no threat, but should make significant progress with draftees Dan Majerle, Tim Perry and free agent Tom Chambers. What if Doug Moe coaxes one last fling out of fellow Tar Heel Walter Davis, and Jerome Lane is a mini-Barkley? Would Denver be the Pest of the West? Who’s New York’s GM, Monty Hall? How else can you explain unloading Bill (Hi, I’m From The Petrified Forest) Cartwright for rebounding whirlwind Charles Oakley? Should the Knicks land Kiki Vandeweghe, as rumored, without giving up a live body, well, as Keith would whoop, “Whoooaah Nellie!”

Now for the local scene: Many of you have expressed chagrin at the Bullets’ treadmill performance in the 1980s. Only twice in eight years did they win less than 39 or more than 42 games. Inevitably, finishing in the middle of the pack imposes a nondescript draft choice, usually 12th. For those of you bored by the predictability, there’s good news and bad news. The good is, the Bullets’ won’t win between 39 and 42. The bad is, they might not win 30. They’re an uncertain team. John Williams is their best player, and they still haven’t decided where to play him.

They’ll make The Lottery, and not a moment too soon, considering they won’t get a No. 1 pick next year. It went in the trade that brought Jay Vincent here. You remember Jay, don’t you? He was after the Beef Brothers, after Thunder and Lightning, with Moses and The New Bullets, but before Bernard King and The New, New Bullets. He played 51 games here, and he could end up costing the Bullets J.R. Reid.

The way to make a good team great is through a trade. The way to make a bad team good is through the draft. Though their trades were well-intentioned, the Bullets were never good enough to be great. Now, at long last, they’re bad enough to make some real progress.