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For Those Who Just Can’t Wait, Here’s Preview of the Year

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Not to brag about my psychic powers, but it should be noted that during the past year I predicted that Tyson and Givens would struggle to find marital bliss, Jim McMahon would suffer an injury, Billy Martin would be involved in a bar scuffle and Lou Holtz would play down his team’s chances of winning a big game.

My predictions for 1989? Glad you asked.

In a break with longstanding tradition, a baseball team will be installed at Wrigley Field.

Philadelphia Eagles Coach Buddy Ryan will publish his autobiography, “Everybody but Me Is a Jerk.” He will reveal that the incident where he choked on a pork chop was premeditated, because he was envious of the attention Mike Ditka got for having a heart attack.

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Ditka, asked his reaction to Ryan’s confession, will say, “That wasn’t the last time Buddy Ryan choked in ’88.”

Baseball’s trendy new pitch will be the pine-tar ball. A sporting goods company will make a fortune marketing an undetectable white pine tar for pitchers, but one famous hurler will be fined and suspended for pine-tar abuse when his 3-and-2 fastball sticks to Jose Canseco’s bat.

Arkansas’ innovative flexbone offense will become the rage among college coaches who are seeking a balanced attack and who were impressed that in the Cotton Bowl, the Razorbacks’ flexbone produced exactly 21 yards passing and 21 yards rushing.

In an effort to curb violence on ice, the National Hockey League will post signs along the boards in the 21 arenas, with messages such as: “No fighting, please!” and “The penalty box ain’t no picnic, eh?” and “A smile requires fewer muscles than a frown.”

Wade Boggs, depressed at not winning the American League MVP award despite his .363 batting average and 24 home runs, will announce that he is retiring from baseball to pursue a career as a wildlife photographer.

Great Western Bank will make a sizable contribution to the Chinese government. The L.A.-based financial institution will then be allowed to repaint and rename the Great Western Wall of China.

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Mobil Oil, sponsor of the Cotton Bowl, decorated the Dallas stadium with 30 corporate signs, flags and logos--not counting uniform patches--for last Monday’s game.

Mobil will expand the concept. Players in next year’s Mobil Cotton Bowl Classic will dress as gas pumps. The Rice Premiums will edge the Florida State Unleadeds, 27.9 to 24.9.

The National Football League, in an effort to improve its instant-replay officiating and end confusion as to exactly when any official blew his whistle on any given play, will outfit each official with a cap that has a large, red light bulb on top. The bulb will be wired to the official’s whistle and will light up when the whistle blows.

The USC basketball team will sell out the Sports Arena for a game against Biola. Most of the fans will stay in their seats for the halftime show featuring Bruce Springsteen, Robin Williams and the three living Beatles.

The state of Oklahoma, despondent over the University of Oklahoma’s 3-year football probation, will secede from the Union.

The president of NBC will reaffirm his network’s commitment to decrease the number of commercials during the televising of the 1992 Olympic Games.

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Early in spring training, Dodger second baseman Willie Randolph will storm off the field after making a double-play pivot and discovering that a prankster has hidden a whoopee cushion under the base. The next day, Kirk Gibson will confess.

The president of NBC will announce a breakthrough in sports television, to be unveiled during the 1992 Olympics--the 5-minute commercial.

At the New York Marathon, a record field of 50,000 runners will charge off the starting line and become wedged en masse on the Verrazano Narrows Bridge. The mammoth logjam of runners will be stuck fast until Mayor Ed Koch alertly orders bombers to fly over the bridge and drop thousands of gallons of Wesson oil.

Houston Oilers Coach Jerry Glanville will leave complimentary tickets for Elvis Presley. Angry at having to wait in a long line for nachos, Elvis will storm out of the stadium at halftime.

The Year of the Angel: Doug Rader will get along splendidly with everyone, Mike Port will make a public statement that doesn’t sound like a legal brief and the Angels will play in the World Series. I know this is a ridiculous prediction, but I had to throw in a longshot somewhere in this column.

Don King will be suspended from boxing when traces of steroids are found in his hair tonic.

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The NFL, noting the popularity of such multiday events as the World Series and college basketball’s Final Four, will announce a new Super Bowl format--a 3-day game. The first half will be played Friday. Saturday will be a day of rest and the instant-replay evaluation of the first half will be shown. Then will come Super Second-Half Sunday.

Steve Sax will have a productive and uneventful season with the New York Yankees. He will tell Barbara Walters that in New York City he has found inner peace but still has trouble finding a cab.

L.A. sports fans, continually under attack for their Los Angelesness, will go on the defensive again when the U.S. Weather Service institutes a new weather reading just for sports events in Los Angeles--the wine-chill factor.

Mike Tyson will marry Joan Collins.

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