Cutting Through to Find the Answers

Dear Answer Man ...

The NCAA basketball tournament exposed college fans to an awful lot of net-cutting. Though the practice probably makes for a dandy bunch of souvenirs, I still wonder why the nets are cut down. As most cagers should know, a basketball net unloops quickly and easily. Do you suppose the players also cut off their trunks and jerseys after a big win? Or, maybe their jocks? Or is this just another sad example of our higher educational system failing the athlete? I have decided to respond to this query even though it is an actual letter from an actual reader, Dave Michel of Westminster, and normally I prefer to field questions received from a higher source, i.e.: my own head. But this issue is too important to ignore.

I think we’re dealing with symbolism here, Dave. It’s the same principle demonstrated when happy football fans tear down the goal posts, or when happy English soccer fans tear down the stadium and the adjacent city. Basketball players don’t cut down the nets, they slash ‘em down.

True, it’s like watching a doctor use a chain saw to perform a tonsillectomy, but hey, kids will be kids. And so will coaches, for that matter.

Chris Gwynn hits .449 for the Dodgers in spring training, shows some power and has few strikeouts, and he gets shipped out to Albuquerque. How can this be, seeing as how the Dodgers’ two big-stick outfielders, Gibson and Marshall, will spend the rest of their careers on a medical day-to-day basis? What does a guy have to do to make the big club? That was spring training. What if the Dodgers keep Gwynn and he goes into a horrible slump, batting only .320 or so during the regular season? Besides, how often does a team have a need for a left-handed, line-drive-hitting, contact-type pinch-hitter?

Ben Johnson’s doctor, Jamie Astaphan, will testify in a couple weeks in that Canadian inquiry into performance-enhancing drugs. Astaphan says he is ready to “spill every detail.” What do you think? I think they shouldn’t let him handle any urine specimens.

Do you join the world in saluting the career of retiring NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle?

Yes, with some minor reservations. Rozelle allowed steroids to rage unchecked in his league until 13 years after they were banned in the Olympic Games. Whatever Pete did to encourage the hiring of even one black head coach did not work. He burned bundles and bales of the league’s money in his futile, decade-long legal Wrestlemania grudge match with Al (Macho Man) Davis.

Other than that, from me, Pete gets high marks, accolades, kudos and huzzahs.

Devon Mitchell of the Detroit Lions says that when he attended Iowa, his academic career consisted mainly of classes in such subjects as billiards, jogging, recreational leisure, advanced bowling and advanced slow-pitch softball. Your thoughts? Finals week must have been a killer.

People assume Mitchell had it easy, but think about it: With classes like those, when he was studying hard and got the urge to just bust out and goof off for a few hours, what could he do? Go to the library and read a textbook on quantum physics?

Also, critics who knock Mitchell’s curriculum fail to note that it is almost identical to the college course-load of vice president Dan Quayle.

Mitchell’s major prepared him well for life after college, assuming, of course, his life after college is spent as a guest at Hugh Hefner’s mansion.

Will Wade Boggs be featured on Wheaties boxes? No, but I understand Boggs’ agent has secured him an even better deal, with the company that markets a cereal similar to Wheaties, but cheese-flavored. Look for Boggs on the front of boxes of Cheaties.

There is a popular belief in basketball that refs should swallow their whistles in the last two or three minutes of a game. Temple Coach John Chaney, for example, says the refs should never get involved in the final minute of a game. “Let the kids decide it,” he says. Do you agree? Makes sense. I’m sure total anarchy would produce some artistic and memorable finishes. Why clutter up a nice game with rules and their enforcement?

Actually, if anyone should disappear during the final minutes of a basketball game it should be the two coaches and their 14 assistants. They could be tied to tree branches outside and the winning team could celebrate by cutting down the nets, then cutting down the coaches.

The vice mayor of Bejing has pledged to leap off the top of a 50-story building if the city’s preparations for the 1990 Asian Games are not completed by September. What would you call this? A good-natured bluff? A show of confidence? An act of courage?

A photo opportunity.