Yankees Manager--Does He Really Make a Difference at All?

So Carl (Stump) Merrill is the new Yankees manager. Why not Dina Merrill? Streep, Meryl? Would choosing them be any more ridiculous?

How about Merrill Lynch? It’s already on Wall Street, so the Yankees save on moving expenses. Besides, Merrill Lynch has so many managers that even George Steinbrenner wouldn’t have time to fire them all.

On second thought, why put such an irresistible challenge in front of our boy George? He loves a challenge. With his only real rival for the title Lord of the Laughingstocks--ex-Cavaliers owner Ted Stepien--retired and out of the way, give George the Lifetime Achievement Award for having met the challenge of taking baseball’s greatest franchise and covering it with mud by running it into the ground, as befits an impatient child who inherited his father’s shipbuilding company.

Ever notice how fast these guys walk the plank? The typical Yankees manager usually lasts about as long as a bad sitcom. In the case of Bucky Dent, hired Aug. 18 and fired Wednesday, about 14 weeks--not including the off-season.

What’s the difference between managing a sitcom and managing the Yankees? In a sitcom, they use a laugh track to camouflage that the show isn’t funny.

But whatever happened to reruns? Dent’s firing marked the 18th time Steinbrenner has changed managers in the 18 years since he became majority owner of the Yankees.

Dent’s ouster invites frightening questions with no easy answers. With Billy Martin dead, and with zero population growth an American goal in the 21st Century, could George, like a chain- saw-crazy paper company that fails to recycle, be in danger of running out of managerial timber?

But let’s look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. What we’re really talking about here is a dream job. After all, when you’re trying to fill a job for which no one is qualified, everyone is qualified. You don’t have to be able to type or weld or think. The thinking is done for you. You don’t have to be able to develop long-range plans for the future, because there is no future. All you need is the willingness to work short hours for high pay without making a long-term commitment. It’s the perfect temp job.

Can’t you hear the headhunters now?

“Hello, Kelly Girl? Send me somebody over to manage the Yankees. Job could run a few weeks, maybe a little longer. I’d prefer somebody with a good phone voice. The Boss likes to talk on the phone.”

“Hello, Manpower? Got anybody over there who wears a 44 regular? Last guy wore Size 44, and they’d like to get a little more use out of his uniform. It’s almost new.”

But why waste valuable time and money calling a temps agency? Since the job does require a lot of travel and the ability to pack fast and light, why not just hire flight attendants?

“Hi, I’m Paul, and I’ll be your senior flight attendant today on our flight to Chicago. Some of you are going on to San Francisco, but there will be a crew change at O’Hare. I’m happy to inform you that I’ll be heading right out to Comiskey Park, where I’ll be managing the Yankees today, and maybe even for the entire four-game series. The other members of our crew, Robin and Lisa, will be serving as my first- and third-base coaches. I’m making out the lineup card right now, but as soon as I’m done, we’ll be coming around to serve you lunch and the beverage of your choice. If you have any questions about my pitching rotation for the series, just ring your flight attendant call button and someone will be around to explain it to you.”

When Dent was fired, the Yankees were in last place in the American League East, the worst division in baseball. The Yankees’ 18-31 record was the worst in baseball.

But their problems go deeper than wins and losses. The Yankees are in the entertainment business, and as anyone who has seen them this season can attest, they are anything but entertaining. Although the Yankees have yet to prove they are one of the worst teams in baseball history, they may be one of the dullest.

Merrill, who was doing his third tour of duty as skipper at Triple-A Columbus when he was tapped by Steinbrenner’s fickle finger of fate, said the team he’s inheriting looks listless. Can’t question Stump’s keen insight on that.

Just his grasp of reality.

“It took me 14 years to get to this point,” he said. “The one thing I’m going to try to do is just have fun.”

Just a wild guess, but Stump’s probably not going to have a whole lot of fun working for George and managing these Yankees. That’s too bad, seeing as how he waited 14 years for the opportunity.

The good news is that the rest of us probably won’t have to wait that long. As Steinbrenner steps up the pace of his firings--he also fired two of Dent’s coaches--it shouldn’t be long before every man, woman and child across this great land gets a chance to manage the Yankees.

Until, that is, the day sanity overcomes Steinbrenner. The day he fires himself.