Hoo-boy. Gee (applause). It's great to be...

Hoo-boy. Gee (applause). It's great to be up here. First off, we'd like to thank the academy for voting us this Oscar. It's quite an honor (applause). Big time. Winning the first Academy Award for a non-movie role has left us speechless, and (chuckle) that doesn't happen very often.

Wow, he's a heavy little dude, isn't he? (applause).

We'd like to thank our analyst, Walter, who's been like a rock; our agent, Mel, for giving us hope; our masseuse, Moon-lee, for teaching us that an angry back doesn't have to stay that way; our fitness coach, Larry, for showing us that no pain means no gain; our nutritionist, Alice, for getting those toxins out of our system (soy cheese all the way, Alice!); the Formidable Companion, who showed us what . . . strength . . . really . . . is; and, of course, our parents, who knew us way back when.

And we also want to thank a terrific gentleman. We would love this man like a father, but he's dead. He's the main reason we became an ink-stained wretch. His name is H. L. Mencken (applause).

Uh, a little while ago we were backstage, talking with Kevin. Wow, that "Dances With Wolves," huh? Awesome talent. God, if he doesn't win tonight, we'll give him our award. Just kidding.

Anyway, we told Kev' that we were a nobody once. He said he was that way once too. And we talked about the awful condition of the Earth (applause). Man, we've got to clean up this place! (applause). But you know, it starts with you, the individual. If you feel good about yourself, you'll feel good about your planet. And so, take a look at the big monitor above us. Roll tape, please.

The Culver Counseling Center will show "A Journey to Be Born" and a discussion of prenatal and perinatal psychology at 4 p.m. today. Admission is free. For reservations and information call (213) 838-1870.

Brentwood Psychotherapists will hold a seminar on "How to Change Attitudes to Promote Health and Personal Well-Being" at 7:30 p.m. Monday. Admission is free. Reservations are recommended. For information, call (213) 472-4648.

Joy Rabin, a marriage, family and child counselor, will talk about "Feeling Good About Being You: Clearing the Way to Loving Yourself" at 6 p.m. Monday at the West Los Angeles Library. Admission is free. For information, call (213) 274-8039.

And the Natural Resources Defense Council will present a Zen master, Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, at Camp Sholom Malibu at 9:30 a.m. Saturday. For information, call (805) 646-8343.

We threw that last one in because, sooner or later, we all must face the Big Koan of life.

Finally, we'd like to thank our French teacher, Yvette.

Au revoir, les enfants!

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