COMMENTARY : 1992 Casts Major Sports Figures in Surprising Roles

As implausible and stunning as were developments in sports last year, they appear humdrum when compared to the screenplay for 1992, a copy of which was contained in an empty champagne bottle that washed up on the beach Wednesday. Presented herewith, without the tiny bubbles, are highlights of the new year, beginning with the strange case of Bill Parcells.

When we left 1991, the television commentator had just viewed himself in the mirror while wearing the orange and white wardrobe of the Buccaneers and discovered that he looked like a Creamsicle. Parcells subsequently rejected a lucrative offer from the Tampa Bay franchise, stating “there were too many hats to wear” in fulfilling the job requirements. Green Bay was next in line.

January--Parcells concedes that the Packers’ offer the football atmosphere and the championship potential to lure him from the TV studio but, after a visit to frosty Wisconsin, changes his mind about a return to coaching. “There were too many earmuffs to wear,” he reports on NBC.

The arrival of the Denver Broncos in the Twin Cities for Super Bowl XXVI causes ice sculptures to melt in disappointment. The Washington Redskins are a prohibitive favorite until the Minneapolis City Council decides to promote parity. It orders the removal of the Metrodome roof and, playing in a howling blizzard, the Broncos upset the Redskins, 2-0.

February--New York Yankees reporting to camp in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., are issued two baseballs apiece and told that they must be returned at the end of spring training, when management hopes to have a budget for uniforms and other accessories in place.

Rebuffed by Parcells and Buddy Ryan, the Bucs announce the appointment of Mike Shula. The 26-year-old becomes the youngest coach in NFL history, displacing brother David, who had wrested the honor from father Don only two months earlier.

March--In what city officials call the greatest day in civic history, St. Petersburg, Fla., purchases Lenin’s Tomb, complete with occupant, and vows that henceforth it will be known as Leningrad. The announcement is made during welcoming ceremonies for the Seattle Mariners, who are preparing to move into the Suncoast Dome in time for the 1992 season. Among the names proposed for the franchise (after Marge Schott declines to sell the Cincinnati Reds’ logo) are the Leningrad Hammers and Sickles.

April--Jim Valvano leaps around the court at Meadowlands Arena, hugging players and both fans alike after the New Jersey Nets end a 27-game losing streak with a 92-91 victory over the Orlando Magic in the finale of the NBA season. Meanwhile, a fight breaks out among club owners behind the team bench.

May--On the anniversary of his retirement from the New York Giants, Parcells discloses that he will coach again -- but not in the NFL. He says he is eager to return to Hastings College in Nebraska, where he began his career three decades earlier. “There are no hats or earmuffs to wear on the job,” he explains.

The Chicago Bulls’ 50-game winning streak, extended into the playoffs, comes to a crashing halt when Michael Jordan gets caught in the circus rigging at Madison Square Garden during the Eastern Conference finals and topples to the floor.

June--Tormented by strong winds at Pebble Beach, PGA champion John Daly drives a ball into the water on every hole of the first round of the U.S. Open. His blast on 18 is so far out of bounds that observers argue about the identity of the ocean in which it landed.

Monica Seles shows up at Wimbledon, only to find the gates to the All-England Club locked and a notice that the tournament has been moved to an undisclosed location in Florida.

July--The selection of Isiah Thomas further erodes the U.S. Olympic basketball squad, already beset by Jordan’s injury, Magic Johnson’s illness and Larry Bird’s recurring back problems. Karl Malone elbows the guard over the other eye during practice and is suspended. One week later, following an exhibition game, Charles Barkley punches a heckler and is ordered out of Spain.

August--Two years after agreeing to terms of banishment, George Steinbrenner returns to his Yankee Stadium office. He marks the day by firing Buck Showalter and rehiring Stump Merrill as manager, saying that Merrill has qualities similar to those of the late Billy Martin. He also trades young pitchers Wade Taylor, Jeff Johnson and Scott Kamieniecki to the Baltimore Orioles for a veteran “who can win now,” Rick Sutcliffe.

The U.S. team, featuring Thomas, three Detroit Piston teammates and four collegians, edges Estonia for the basketball gold medal.

September--Ray Handley says handling the media no longer is the most difficult aspect of his job after he coaches the Giants to a 21-20 mid-week victory over a team of reporters, columnists and cameramen at Giants Stadium. Critics note that the Giants almost blew a 21-0 halftime lead.

The Twins clinch last place in the American League West and thus become the first team to go from worst to first to worst in baseball history.

October--With Phil Esposito serving as coach, general manager and television analyst and Steinbrenner critiquing the work of NHL officials (“I think the guys in striped shirts should be locked in the penalty box,” he is quoted as saying), the Tampa Bay Lightning are humbled by the San Jose Sharks, 10-0, in their home opener.

The Cleveland Indians, bolstered by a trade with the Atlanta Braves in which they acquired rights to the tomahawk chop for Sandy Alomar Jr., defeat the Expos in a six-game World Series played entirely in the privacy of Municipal Stadium after the collapse of The Big O in Montreal. CBS declines to televise any of the contests and ESPN refuses to reschedule its programing of tractor pulls to accommodate the games.

November--Unable to acquire Jose Canseco, the Florida Marlins select brother Ozzie in the expansion draft. They buy him a sports car capable of 140-mph trips on Biscayne Boulevard in the hope he might confuse himself with his twin once he dons a Marlins uniform. The Colorado Rockies make news by drafting outfielder John Elway, who says he’s ready to tackle baseball now that he has realized his Super Bowl dream.

December--With the retirement of Evander Holyfield and the imprisonment of Mike Tyson (for assault and battery against Don King during the Indianapolis rape trial), the heavyweight division’s only saleable fight is a battle for the aged. The bout between George Foreman and Larry Holmes in Atlantic City ends in a no-decision when both men have to be extricated from the ropes following an exchange in Holmes’ corner. They promise a rematch in 1993, a prospect that makes 1992 look good in retrospect.