The Boys of Bloopers

Hi, everybody, this is Jerry Gross. No, it isn’t. It’s Jerry Coleman.

-- The San Diego Padres broadcaster, signing on

Ah, the sounds of baseball--the thrilling malaprops, the dramatic nonsequiturs, the breath-taking blown calls. We’re talking about broadcasters, of course.

And, in these departments, no one can compare to the Padres’ Jerry Coleman, the Mets’ Ralph Kiner or the Yankees’ Phil Rizzuto.

For when these three are at the mike, amazing things seem to happen.

Take Coleman’s famous call: “There’s a fly to deep center field. Winfield is going back, back! He hits his head against the wall! It’s rolling toward second base!”

Objects take strange bounces in Kiner’s world, too: “There’s a base hit into center field as Santana can’t get to it. But he goes over there and makes the catch.”

And then there’s Rizzuto, reacting to a batted ball: “Jammed him. That went pretty far for a jam job. Oh! it went ... holy cow! I don’t ... it jammed him. A home run. I ... the old eyes are gone. Holy cow! I’m going home. I’ve got to get my eyes examined.”

What these broadcasters possess, quite simply, is a way with words.

Kiner, on an injured relief pitcher: “He’s going to be out of action the rest of his career.”

Rizzuto: “Italians are very romantic, a very arduous people.”

Or, this Colemanism: “He slides into second base with a stand-up double.”

They also have the knack of meshing well with their partners in the booth:

Rizzuto: “Reggie’s home run has gone clear out of the ballpark.”

Bill White, then his partner: “Actually, Scooter, that ball landed in the seats.”

Rizzuto: “It doesn’t matter. They can’t see it anyway at home.”

Being ex-ballplayers, Coleman, Rizzuto and Kiner can offer insights that the average fan would miss.

Coleman: “From the way Denney is shaking his head, he’s either got an injured shoulder or a gnat in his eye.”

Rizzuto: “If Don Mattingly isn’t the American League MVP, nothing’s kosher in China.”

Kiner, after a Japanese player had broken Lou Gehrig’s record for consecutive games played: “That is because the fences are a lot shorter over there.”

Statistics are, of course, a staple of baseball broadcasters.

Kiner: “The Pirates won 8 of their 102 losses against the Mets last season.”

Kiner, when Barry and Bobby Bonds were about to become the all-time father-son home run champions: “They will surpass the father-son tandem of Buddy Bell and Yogi Berra.”

Of course, a talented broadcaster must be able to entertain the fans between pitches, too.

Rizzuto, as the camera zooms in on a woman in the stands: “What a nice-looking young lady. She reminds me of that old song, ‘A Pretty Girl Is Like a Memory.”’

White, his partner: “Scooter, I think that’s ‘Melody.’ ”

Rizzuto: “Really? How do you know her name is Melody?”

Biographical bits on the players also liven up a game.

Kiner, on catcher Benito Santiago: “Santiago in Spanish means San Francisco. No ...Santiago in San Diego means St. James.”

Even the commercials are exciting.

Coleman: “We now pause 10 stations for a minute identification.”

Kiner: “Now for a word from Manufacturers Hangovers.”

You shouldn’t get the impression, by the way, that these three aren’t being challenged by younger broadcasters. The Giants’ Ron Fairly is also developing a name for himself--most of the time he remembers what it is--with such gems as:

--”Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.”

--”He fakes a bluff.”

--”He’s getting up there in age. He’s 35. That should give you a pretty good idea of how old he is.”

But Fairly has a long way to go to equal the masters.

Say good night, Jerry, Phil and Ralph:

Coleman: “I’ve made a couple of mistakes I’d like to do over.”

Rizzuto: “A high fly, and while it’s in the air, happy birthday to Daphne Lapizana. She turns 18 today.”

Kiner: “On this Father’s Day, we again wish you all a happy birthday.”

ESPN covers opening day of baseball Monday with a tripleheader beginning at 11 a.m. as the San Diego Padres visit the Cincinnati Reds.

The Dodgers open at home against the San Francisco Giants Monday at 1 p.m. on SportsChannel. The Angels open at home against the Chicago White Sox Tuesday at 6 p.m. on KTLA.