A Foolish Doggone Decision

The big news out of Cincinnati is that Marge Schott’s mutt, Schottzie 02, has been told to keep its grubby paws off the field of Riverfront Stadium this season.

How can they do this to Woman’s Best Friend?

It was Schottzie 02’s mistress who was sent to obedience school. (Or sensitivity training, or the humane society, or whatever it is they sent her to.) So why pull the artificial rug from Margie’s doggie?

Did Schottzie 02 ever bark bad things about other canine breeds? No. Never. Good dog, Schottzie 02. Good dog.

Did Schottzie 02 sometimes make, uh, you know, Error-2 in the infield? Yes. Now and then, naughty-naughty. But darn it, you women know how long those lines outside the restroom can get.

Did Schottzie 02 do anything to deserve being banned from the old ballyard? Not a thing. Yet, there the poor baby goes, back to the doghouse like a .190 hitter, tail between legs.

Making this the first time in memory that we need to send somebody to rescue a St. Bernard, rather than vice versa.

Somebody get Schottzie 02 a brandy. Poor thing. Must feel terrible.

I haven’t seen such an unhappy fate befall a dog since what happened to Old Yeller. Imagine what Schottzie 02 must be thinking, lying there this summer in front of the fireplace, watching the Cincinnati games on TV with some Milk-Bone and a Miller Lite.

Imagine one of those creepy mascots coming into view--that big parrot from Pittsburgh, for example. Picture poor Schottzie 02 with a thought balloon above his head: “How come that stupid bird gets to be out there and I don’t?”

Schottzie 02 doesn’t know it’s a person inside a parrot suit. As far as the dog knows, it’s some crazy bird that grew up to be even bigger than that one on “Sesame Street.” Maybe flew through some nuclear waste.

Or, speaking of mutations, how about that thing from Philadelphia with the nose like Karl Malden’s and the tongue that keeps darting out? That “Phillie Phanatic” blob.

Here they go, shooing away a friendly pooch like Schottzie 02 that children adore, yet nobody harasses this ugly creature from the Philadelphia lagoon that causes babies to cry and struts around making fun of Tom Lasorda.

All Schottzie 02 ever wanted to do was hang around with the players. Be their pal. If someone threw a Louisville Slugger from the dugout, Schottzie 02 would go fetch. If someone needed his slippers or a copy of the Cincinnati newspaper, all Schottzie 02 would want to know is: “The Post or the Enquirer?”

But did any Cincinnati Red get behind Schottzie 02 to protest the animal’s being put on puppy waivers? Ha! Rob Dibble probably tried to hit the dog with a pitch.

It’s a crying shame, is what it is.

Having grown up around Chicago, I am accustomed to seeing dogs on the field. I don’t see the problem with one more, more or less.

Granted, this is an unusual situation. I can’t remember another time in a century of baseball when a suspension affected the penalized individual’s pet.

I don’t recall, for example, if Judge Landis’ decision about the Black Sox in 1919 affected Shoeless Joe Jackson’s German shepherd, or Buck Weaver’s schnauzer.

Then again, I don’t know that much about ballpark dogs.

About all I remember of the original Schottzie was that it had a cold nose. The same could be said about a New York Yankee pitcher.

After Schottzie went off to that big kennel in the sky, the owner of the Reds did two things. She went out and hired Tony Perez, a man whose nickname is “Doggie,” to be the team’s manager. And she kept busy trying to explain to the American public that she, Marge Schott herself, was all bark but no actual bite.

Baseball told her to bug off.

Schott took her punishment like a woman. OK, she told the boys of summer, be that way. Do your worst.

But she never expected their worst to be that the punishment included her dog.

I don’t know much about Schottzie 02. I don’t even now why someone would name a dog Something 02. I once had a cat named Frisky, but I seriously doubt that I would ever name my next one Frisky 02. Frisky Jr., maybe, but not Frisky 02.

I also don’t know how dogs feel about artificial turf. This could be a question for Charles Schulz.

All I do know is that Schottzie 02 wasn’t hurting anybody, and should be reinstated. If not, I hope it’s the Reds who end up in the basement.