When It Comes to Erudition, These Guys Are Way Off Base

The NBA finals are finished. So is the U.S. Open, as well as the Stanley Cup playoffs. America is now left with baseball, home of the brawl, the four-hour game and the best malapropisms in sports.

A collection of the finest verbal goofs:

“We’ll be back after this word from Manufacturers Hangover.” --New York Met announcer Ralph Kiner during a broadcast.

“His reputation preceded him before he got here.” --New York Yankee Don Mattingly on Met pitcher Dwight Gooden.

“Ain’t no sense in worrying about things you got control over, ‘cause if you got control over them, ain’t no sense in worrying. And there ain’t no sense worrying about things you got no control over, ‘cause if you got no control over them, ain’t no sense worrying.” --former Texas Ranger Mickey Rivers on . . . . well, nobody knows for sure.

Add baseball malapropisms: No one ever accused former Chicago Cub announcer Jack Brickhouse of being an expert on music. Shortly after a singer completed a rendition of the national anthem, Brickhouse said it had been done, “Acapulco.”

And no recollection of malapropisms would be complete without the work of San Diego Padre announcer Jerry Coleman, who once said that baserunner Keith Hernandez had started to move “with the crack of the ball.”

Trivia time: What was so memorable about the one-hitter Chicago Cub Bob Hendley pitched against the Dodgers on Sept. 9, 1965?

No rain checks: Mike Byrnes, a former track coach and teacher in New York state, is the invitations director of the National Scholastic Championships, which was held several weeks ago at UCLA.

Among other things, Byrnes scouts the country in search of the best high school track stars, all in hopes of asking them to attend the NSC meet. Not long ago, he traveled to Orlando for the prestigious Golden South Track Classic, only to watch rain, not runners. A downpour persuaded meet organizers to cancel the events.

Four hours later, the sky was clear, conditions perfect. Too late.

Byrnes then traveled to Southern California for the state meet.

There, an unexpected storm prompted officials to declare the track facilities unsafe and cancel the meet. Several hours later, the track was perfectly usable.

None of this helped Byrnes, who went to two track meets and never saw anybody run.

Halos of yesteryear: What was the best minor league team of all time? According to Gene Mauch, it was the 1956 Los Angeles Angels, of which Mauch was a member. The Angels, who won 107 games, had a team batting average of .297 and featured six players with at least 20 home runs.

“I think I might be prejudiced,” Mauch told John Schulian in a Sports Illustrated story, “but I think it was the best minor league team ever put together. I saw some teams in the big leagues that couldn’t play as well. Hell, I managed two of them.”

Mauch would know. His 1961 Philadelphia Phillies finished 47-107-1 and his 1969 Montreal Expos were 52-110.

Trivia answer: It was the same day Sandy Koufax pitched a perfect game against the Cubs.

Quotebook: Bob Verdi, Chicago Tribune columnist, on the matchup in the NBA finals between Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley: “Regardless of the series outcome, there’s only one real loser. Hairline Creations.”