The Outer Limits of Sports

Downey’s California:

--James Worthy just guest-starred on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” as a 6-foot-9 Klingon alien. And you thought Charles Barkley was a poor role model.

--I only hope nobody renames the ship the Great Western Enterprise.

--”Captain’s log, 12-25-93: While crewmen LeVar Burton and Worthy exchanged goggles, captains Picard and Abdul-Jabbar compared barbers and engineer Byron spoke with a strange Scottish accent, our ship came under attack by a number of large rockets near the evil planet Olajuwon.”

--Producers of this show must also be looking forward to a “Vlade the Vulcan” episode.

--A next generation I would much rather see is Dominique Wilkins being beamed from Atlanta to Inglewood.

--The Green Bay Packers have petitioned the NFL to change their uniform colors to blue and gold. Somebody tell them they don’t play in Blue Bay, Wis.

--Lou Campanelli sued the University of California for $5 million for firing him as basketball coach. Somebody explain to Lou that the state of California doesn’t have $5 million.

--I read where Oprah Winfrey ran a half-marathon in San Diego. This could explain recent seismic activity.

--Should make her quicker up and down those aisles with that microphone, though.

--Tell you what. The day some company uses Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Gail Devers in its TV commercials instead of Dan what’s-his-name and Dave whoever-he-is, I’ll try its product.

--Loved watching Jackie the other day. I never miss a Stuttgart heptathlon.

--”Hi, I’m Quincy Watts. Want to be an Olympic champion like me? Introducing the new Exploding Shoe, from Nike. Now runners can literally explode from those starting blocks! Just press the pump and watch what happens--filet of sole! When everybody else’s feet are hot and tired, yours will be cool and comfy thanks to Exploding Shoe’s unique flap-as-you-go feature. You’ll think you’re wearing a sandal! So, come on! Let those toes breathe! If you want your opponents to run funny, the way I did at the World Championships, run out today and buy them some Nike shoes like mine. Just do it.”

--Know what I’d like to see? I’d like to see someone give tennis player Mary Pierce’s father a forehand smash.

--More tennis players risk bodily harm next week as the U.S. Open is played dangerously close to the New York Mets.

--There has never been a tennis tournament where Gabriela Sabatini couldn’t finish somewhere between second place and eighth.

--Well, you know the NFL exhibition season is a bore when the big story is the whereabouts of the quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts.

--San Francisco should work out a trade with Kansas City for an uninjured quarterback.

--Art Shell won’t like all this negative coverage of his illness.

--The good news for Jim McMahon is that he can wear his sunglasses in Minnesota for several more weeks before they run out of sun.

--The good news for next summer is that Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras will perform together at Dodger Stadium on the eve of the World Cup soccer tournament. The bad news is that any one of them can outperform Jose Offerman.

--The over-under in Las Vegas for the opening World Cup game is one.

--I have decided that college football definitely should have a playoff and that Greg Norman definitely shouldn’t.

--The Republic of China soon will urge Sen. Bill Bradley to look into human-rights violations in New Jersey.

--ESPN has a couple of sports announcers who are in definite need of Valium.

--I couldn’t shout that loud if I were trapped in a cave.

--On the other hand, the loudest thing I’ve seen on television all year is the shirt Cecil Fielder wore for Roy Firestone.

--Attention, Van Earl Wright, CNN: Doctors say they now know what causes your voice to do that and that there could be a cure.

--Funniest thing about Notre Dame’s opening game against Northwestern is that it’s Northwestern that has the Heisman candidate.

--Best of luck to receiver Lee Gissendaner, but I figure the chances of a Heisman Trophy winner coming from Northwestern are right up there with an Academy Award winner coming from a slapstick comedy.

--Maybe the Wildcats will win one for the Gisser.

--Reggie chose the Yankees. What cap will Nolan Ryan choose for his Hall of Fame induction?

--Chad Curtis is a serious baserunning threat. Unfortunately, he’s a threat to the Angels.

--We interrupt this ESPN broadcast of endless Yankee and Red Sox highlights to get around to the first-place White Sox, any minute now.