No One Made a Pitch for Greatness

Downey’s California:

About Mitch Williams’ pitch to Joe Carter:

The Liberty Bell isn’t the only thing from Philadelphia that got cracked.

About Canada’s winning the World Series again:

Can’t we at least win the hockey this time?

--About that 15-14 baseball game in Philadelphia:

I’ve seen better pitching by Jose Canseco.

--About Phillie pitcher Curt Schilling covering his face with a towel:

He has the only face on that team that doesn’t need to be wiped off.

--About that CBS overhead camera:

Far as I can tell, umpires think the outside corner and the catcher’s elbow are one and the same.

--About Lenny Dykstra:

Hey, I don’t mind if batters use pine tar. I just don’t think they should chew it.

--About Paul Gruber staying with Tampa Bay:

I hear he signed a four-year, four-win contract.

--About the Mighty Ducks winning at Madison Square Garden:

Oct. 19, 1993: The day New York City died of embarrassment

--About the United States playing Davis Cup tennis in India

A new musical: 6-0, Calcutta

--About Dennis Rodman’s new haircut

His barber must use a Garden Weasel

--About Marquette University dropping the nickname Warriors

I guess it must have insulted everybody who went to war

--About Eric Dickerson’s retirement

You’ll notice none of his teams took part

--About Donald Sterling killing that Clipper trade with Miami

If you can’t stand the Heat, get out of the hot-stove league

--About the Houston Oilers docking new daddy David Williams $111,111

What’s the NFL supposed to do--pay paternity leave?

--About Barry Sanders demanding more money from Detroit

He deserves it, after leading the Lions to that Super Bowl year after year after year after year. . .

--About Golden State losing both Tim Hardaway and Sarunas Marciulionis

Might be time for them to stop calling themselves Warriors

--About World Series games starting so late on TV

I hear Fox is looking for new programming at 11

--About the NFL announcing two new expansion cities this week

I vote for Baltimore and South Bend

--About UCLA’s Jamir Miller being a finalist for the Butkus Award

I hope he doesn’t take it when nobody’s looking

--About the Ralphs Senior Golf Classic

It’s bad enough they have a tour only for guys over 50. But now they have a tournament only for guys named Ralph?

--About Steve Carlton throwing a ceremonial first pitch into the dirt

I have no comment on that! Get away from me!

--About Derrick Coleman rejecting the New York Nets’ $69 million

I guess he’d rather talk New Jersey Grosses

--About Jeff Jaeger’s game-winning field goal for the Raiders at Denver

Ugliest kick I’ve seen since Lucy held for Charlie Brown

--About Vince Coleman’s lawyer saying his client already has suffered enough “public humiliation.”

We’ll be the judge of that

--About Wayne Gretzky playing hockey against his baby brother

Oh, you know that royal family, always fighting over something

--About that movie “The Program” being unfit viewing for kids

Like USC-Notre Dame isn’t?