PRO FOOTBALL / BILL PLASCHKE : NFL Goes Bowling in Its Own Way

And you thought the only professionals competing in bowl games this weekend were on college football teams.

The NFL has caught the spirit. For the first time since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970, two divisional titles will be decided in final-weekend faceoffs Sunday.

Other showdowns will decide coaching careers, rushing titles and draft picks.

The only thing missing in each game will be some sponsor with five unintelligible names or initials and a jowly guy standing at midfield handing out plaques.

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NFC EAST BOWL: Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants.

How big is a game where the winner earns the division championship, a first-round bye and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs?

“To get that advantage . . . that is tremendous,” Giant quarterback Phil Simms said. “And that is an understatement.”

Simms and the Giants had better duck. And that is an understatement.

In their earlier meeting in Dallas, Cowboy receiver Alvin Harper threw one more touchdown pass than Simms. The Dallas defense sacked Simms five times, equaling the worst beating he has received this year.

OK, so Rodney Hampton didn’t play for the Giants then. Replacement Lewis Tillman gained 82 yards and they still lost, 31-9.

“We know if we pull this off, everybody has to come to us,” Cowboy guard Nate Newton said. “And it can get ugly in Dallas.”

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NFC CENTRAL BOWL: Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions.

The winner of this game will become the division champion and probably play host to the loser in a first-round game next week. Hope the Lions have made flight arrangements.

The erratic Packers, playing hard together every down for the first time, have even added that last, important act to their repertoire--a swagger.

“For three years, the kids in the neighborhood have asked me what I was doing home in January,” safety Leroy Butler said. “I’m going to send all those kids a telegram that says, ‘This January, you can watch us on television.’ ”

The Packers outgained the Lions, 404-205, in their previous meeting, a 26-17 victory that was not that close. But this was before Coach Wayne Fontes dumped offensive coordinator Dan Henning and quarterback Rodney Peete in favor of Dave Levy and Erik Kramer.

The Lions will miss Barry Sanders but are quick to tell you that in four games, replacements Derrick Moore and Eric Lynch have averaged 142 yards of offense, 22 yards more than Sanders was averaging.

Big deal. Reggie White said he hasn’t played this well in several years. The Lions will see why.

UNEMPLOYMENT BOWL: Phoenix Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons.

When we say the loser here goes home, we mean it. There is a chance either Falcon Coach Jerry Glanville or Cardinal Coach Joe Bugel will be fired next week. Or both.

But both guys would agree, the end couldn’t be more fitting. Glanville and Bugel, you see, shared an unheated log cabin as assistant coaches at Western Kentucky in 1967.

There was only one bed, and they flipped a coin to see who slept there. The loser slept on stack of newspapers.

“I used to wake up in the morning, and the comics were imprinted on my back,” Glanville told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. “Maybe that is why I never got to close to newspaper guys.”

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4.8-YARDS-AND-A-CLOUD-OF-DUST BOWL: Chicago Bears at Rams.

Jerome Bettis of the Rams is 35 yards behind Cowboy Emmitt Smith in the NFL rushing race.

Tim Worley of the Bears is 114 yards from reaching a clause that will force the Bears to owe the Steelers a fourth-round draft pick instead of a fifth-rounder as part of their earlier trade. Under today’s system, that’s a big leap.

The Cowboys sound like they are ready to concede Smith’s title to Bettis--”The Rams could give that young guy the ball 40-50 times, they have nothing to live for,” Newton said.

The Bears are conceding nothing with Worley, who hasn’t gained more than 104 yards in one game in his career.

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THE WHY-IN-THE-HECK-DID-WE-SPEND-ALL-THIS-MONEY? BOWL: Seattle Seahawks at Kansas City Chiefs.

If the Chiefs lose, they will finish the season 10-6, their record last season before signing quarterback Joe Montana and running back Marcus Allen.

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THE LEVERAGE BOWL: Cincinnati Bengals at New Orleans Saints

If the Bengals should win this game, it would prove they are completely out of their minds because it would put them at risk of losing the first pick in next spring’s draft.

Four other teams, including the Rams, could tie the Bengals for the worst record. The “winner” would be the team that played the easiest schedule, a position currently shared by the Bengals and New England Patriots (120-120).

The Bengals, happy with David Klingler, still claim they will not trade the top selection to a team that would take either of the likely top choices, Trent Dilfer of Fresno State and Heath Shuler of Tennessee, both quarterbacks.

Don’t believe it. That first pick means too much to the quarterback-desperate Rams or Redskins.

It would seem impossible, and foolish, for the Bengals to stick with running back Marshall Faulk of San Diego State and ignore the plethora of draft picks that will be offered.

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BOOMER BOWL: New York Jets at Houston Oilers.

If Boomer Esiason of the Jets throws for more than 200 yards and a couple of touchdowns, he has a chance to increase his quarterback rating from 87.1 to the magic 89.0 figure.

Magic, because if he reaches that number, the Bengals would be awarded the Jets’ second-round pick in next year’s draft as a conditional part of last spring’s trade.

Question: If the Jets are eliminated by Sunday night, with draft picks being so important these days, would he even play?

Said Esiason: “I’m really not allowed to discuss that subject.”

GO FIGURE

--If nothing else, the union dues flap in Washington this week formalized what many have known since last summer.

Most players did not know what they were signing when they agreed to the new union contract. Now that they do know, they hate it.

--Why is the NFC East championship game Sunday attracting so much more attention than the NFC Central title bout? Easy.

In the past 16 years, an NFC Central team has won the conference championship only once--the Bears in 1985. Only three teams--the Bears, Rams and San Francisco 49ers--from outside the NFC East during that span have advanced to the Super Bowl.

--Since 1984, who is the winningest quarterback in the NFL? Montana? Dan Marino? Steve Young?

Try the Denver Broncos’ John Elway, who will bring his 101-57-1 record to the Coliseum against the Raiders on Sunday.

--Everybody knows about Elway’s 32 fourth-quarter comeback drives. The NFL even made a best-selling video about them.

But an even more impressive number is that during 1,784 career drives, he has left the field only six times because of an injury.

--NFL players, more than any other pro athletes, take care of their own. This was evidenced when Cowboy center Mark Stepnoski was voted to the starting lineup in the Pro Bowl even though Stepnoski suffered a season-ending knee injury three weeks ago against the Vikings in Minnesota.

A clause in Stepnoski’s contract allows him to become a free agent this season if he makes the Pro Bowl. Thanks to his friends, he will soon become very rich.