THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : Resolutions Waiting to Be Broken

New Year’s resolutions for some of our favorites:

Michael Jordan--It was great getting away from it all. Now I want to go to spring training with the White Sox, join the golf tour and fly my Lear jet up to Nova Scotia to see a total eclipse of the sun. After that, I’ve got to win my money back from that chump in San Diego.

Charles Barkley--If Mike retires, I’m gone, too. Oh, he’s back?

David Stern--How about a seniors circuit, guys? NBC will carry it and do a Saturday show too, like Inside Puff, er, Stuff.

Quinn Buckner--If I get another TV gig, I’m hanging onto it. That was something I could do. One week, USA Today’s Rudy Martzke said I had the best line of everyone: “Chicago looks tough.”

Mike Fratello--I hear you, Mighty. Rudy praised me for: “The Bulls have to give the ball to Jordan here.”

Willis Reed--If I ever get another GM job, I will not trade for Benoit Benjamin even though he was a great player for me at Creighton.

Chuck Daly--Next time I interview for a job, my first question will be: Did Benoit Benjamin ever play for you in college?

Benoit Benjamin--$3.2 million a year, 15 minutes a game. Is this a great country or what?

Donald T. Sterling--Pia’s coming to this spring’s lottery party, so don’t miss it. Is Ron Grinker representing Glen Robinson? Oh, we don’t have our pick? Never mind.

Danny Manning--It’s been great fun, but it was just one of those things.

Ron Harper--I’m outta here, I’m outta here, I’m outta here. You’re offering $3 million a year? You just bought yourself a basketball player.

Randy Pfund--I’d better learn to relate to my young players. What’s “Off the pig” mean?

Ahmad Rashad--I’m tired of people saying I’m Michael Jordan’s bobo. I’m going to be my own man, at least in public. More cocoa, Mike?

Pat Riley--My resolutions will be published by Putnam ($22.95, $28 in Canada) under the title, “Ruminations of a Winner.”

Shaquille O’Neal--Peace on earth, good will toward all men. Is the interview over? Here’s a copy of my CD, “ShaqDiesel.” Check out the third track: “Zo Go 2 Hell.”

Alonzo Mourning--So he’s three inches bigger, 50 pounds heavier, has 4% body fat, pulls down backboards, leads the league in scoring, appears in a commercial every five minutes and out-earned me by $12 million last year? What else does he have that I don’t?

George Shinn--I’ll never give another player $84 million if they have to push him into my office in a wheelchair.

Larry Johnson--Next summer, charity game, breakaway, crowd going nuts? I’m going to lay it up.

Dennis Rodman--Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Hare Rama, Krishna Krishna. . . .

Don Nelson--Not that I’m superstitious, but step on a crack, break your point guard’s back.

Larry Brown--My traveling days are over. I’m happy to be in. . . . Where is this again?

Magic Johnson--I’m not going to say one controversial thing this year. No. Really.

LATEST DISPATCHES FROM THE PIT

The Clippers are going back to UC Irvine for another camp this week?

Great. Maybe they can make that Danny Manning-Glen Rice deal they pulled out of their last time there.

Indeed, Heat boss Lew Schaffel said the Clippers called up last week to see if Miami was still interested.

The Heat was.

Unfortunately, Ron Grinker wasn’t.

Schaffel said Manning’s agent now refuses to negotiate, even with a team Danny wanted to go to 12 weeks ago, with which he had agreed to a $5.5-million-a-year contract.

With no assurance of keeping Manning, the Heat passed.

Grinker is only doing what he said he would when the Clippers killed the Miami deal. Unless he relents, they’re not likely to find a buyer at any price and, if Manning leaves via free agency, would get nothing for him.

Meanwhile, back on the front lines. . . .

Years of organizational chaos have produced a roster-wide funk. The Clippers should go 41-41 by accident except they’re barely bothering to show up for games. After losses, someone like Harper and Mark Aguirre protests they were flat, they didn’t show up, this is intolerable, etc. Aguirre might get himself ejected and swat some fan’s popcorn all over the court.

The next game, everyone comes out flat again.

Forget Irvine.

Try Lourdes.

JERRY REYNOLDS, DEC. 1990-DEC. 1993

We regret to report the resignation, probably forced, of the Sacramento general manager, a funny guy who deserved a break but succumbed to the twin menaces, bad luck and new ownership.

Even with one of the premium lottery slots, you have to be lucky in the draw. For every Orlando or Charlotte, there’s a Sacramento or Washington--one great player away and lacking only the good fortune to get him.

The Kings drew a No. 1 overall pick once, but it was in the woeful 1989 draft. They chose Pervis Ellison over Danny Ferry, Stacey King and Sean Elliott.

The rest of the time, they got lower choices and had to settle for Walt Williams instead of Shaquille O’Neal, Billy Owens instead of Larry Johnson, Bobby Hurley instead of Chris Webber.

It’s something to remember as the Lakers begin their lottery era and the Clippers finish squandering the last of their riches. Opportunities are precious. Success is precarious.

As Reynolds could tell you, that’s show biz.

In his honor, a few of his greatest hits:

--Assuring King fans they would like new pickup Jim Les: “I’m willing to stake what’s left of my credibility on it.”

--After seeing himself on TV: “I told my wife, ‘I look like a fat, little hillbilly.’ She said, ‘That’s because you are, dear.’ ”

--On getting a contract last season after having worked without one for two years: “People were sniffing around this job like lions sniffing out the weak antelope. It’s a typical contract--five years or 50 losses, whichever comes first.”

--On owner Jim Thomas’ state of mind as the Kings struggled this season: “Oh, it’s great. Jim’s like (King Coach) Garry (St. Jean) and myself. He’s having a good time with it. Of course, he has advantages we don’t.”

FACES AND FIGURES

Seasons greetings, Western-style: Sun Coach Paul Westphal, delighted after victories at Seattle and at home over Houston: “Nothing in December means anything, but we ruined two teams’ Christmas.” . . . Right you are, Santa: After the loss to Phoenix, SuperSonic Coach George Karl yelled at publicist Cheri White, closed the door to his office, yelled at the walls and never came out to face reporters. “I didn’t want to ruin my Christmas or anyone else’s,” Karl said later. . . . No wonder Atlanta and Chicago are such surprises--someone in the woeful East has to win some games. There isn’t an Eastern team that can’t be beaten on its home court. The Knicks have lost at home to the Jazz, Rockets and Nets. The Hawks have lost to the Pacers; the Bulls to the Heat. The Rockets, Suns and SuperSonics have lost a total of three games at home, two to each other. Going into Sunday’s games, the East was 22 games under .500.

Add panic: They’re recircling the wagons in Charlotte, where Larry Johnson played his best game of the season--29 points, 20 rebounds--and came out of it with his back sore. First announcement by the Hornets: This was “totally unrelated” to his other back problems. (What, those were in a different back?) Second announcement: Team physician Glenn Perry says a connection “can’t be discounted.” Prognosis: Johnson will be gone “three to 30 days.” Bottom line: Johnson went on the injured list, meaning he’ll be out at least 10 days. . . . Isiah Thomas’ contract is up this season, and he’s upset that his longtime patron, Piston owner Bill Davidson, hasn’t stepped up with a Jerry Buss-type $10-million balloon payment. Thomas, who usually plays through fractures, took last week off with a strained arch. He’s lucky Davidson doesn’t take out a contract on him. . . . Clyde Drexler’s legs may not be as shot as his head. Portland insiders say his troubles started with his announcement he deserved a $17-million ballon payment, which Trail Blazer management treated with scorn, even if Clyde, at $1.4 million, was No. 6 on the payroll. Drexler apologized, sulked, slumped, then sprained an ankle and went on the injured list. Portland got hot without him; now teammates whisper the ball moves better without him.

The Knicks continue to stumble, and they’re getting jittery. “I’m not convinced with Charles Smith and Hubert Davis, both injured, we have what it takes to get it done,” said team President Dave Checketts. “We’ve got to add a piece to this puzzle to win it all this year.” . . . And Checketts on what happened: “Maybe the rules have taken something away. We’re not nearly as physical as we were last year. We’re unable to play that way. We’re timid overall.” . . . Comment: Wrong. The Knicks are still No. 1 in defense--almost five full points below last season’s average of 95 points. Their problem is their two-man, Patrick Ewing-John Starks offense, No. 18 in the league.

The Buck isn’t stopping here: Buck Williams’ sore heels feel better, and he’s playing his best ball in years, averaging 10 points, 11 rebounds and shooting 59%. However, his contract is up, and Trail Blazer management wants his $1.8-million slot for a young free agent. “I won’t be spending Christmas next year in Portland, that’s certain,” Williams said. “I can’t say I’m not a little disappointed.” . . . There are young teams--Charlotte, Orlando--in dire need of a power forward with Williams’ kind of tangibles and intangibles. Whoever finishes second in the Horace Grant derby will have a wonderful fall-back position.

Learning experience: Shaquille O’Neal, still railing he can’t get a call, got bounced from his second game of the season, No. 4 of his 109-game career. For good measure, referee Bennett Salvatore tossed teammate Jeff Turner and two Magic fans. . . . Former Cavalier Coach Lenny Wilkens, defending his old team, more or less: “They’re not soft. They’re finesse players. What I’m saying, we never had a guy on the team who was a tough-minded, physical player. But you don’t throw out what you have unless you get something better.” . . . Celtic Coach Chris Ford, acknowledging the obvious: “It’s an issue, but I can’t allow these guys to fall back and say, ‘We’re just not as talented.’ Then we’d just be rolling over. We’ve got 12 guys on the roster. Let’s get the most out of them.” . . . Sun guard Danny Ainge, after Boston’s Dino Radja went 0 for 14: “People said he struggled. Struggled? He got up 14 shots in only 18 minutes. He’s my idol.”