An Astute Statesman Touches All the Bases

Downey’s California:

--Reason No. 1 why the Raiders should not move to Orlando, Fla.: Oh, the outcry after drunken Raider fans harass Minnie, punch Mickey into a coma and try to run down Pluto with their Harley-Davidsons.

--Reason No. 2 why the Raiders should not move to Orlando: Temptation by locals to rename team the Orlando Raider, singular.

--Reason No. 3 why the Raiders should not move to Orlando: We need four NFL teams in Florida like we need three more oil spills in Alaska.

--Reason No. 4 why the Raiders should not move to Orlando: Only skulls-and-crossbones there found on “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride.

--Reason No. 5 why the Raiders should not move to Orlando: Great rivalry with Broncos and Chiefs would be replaced by embarrassing Raider-Jacksonville Jaguar feud.

--i hAVe BeeN waTChiNg esPn2. woRsT grApHIcs EvEr. poSsIBly woRsT tV nETwoRk eVeR.

--Now the Montreal Canadiens and Vancouver Canucks can be joined by Canada’s new pro basketball teams, the Toronto Canadian-Americans and the Vancouver People Who Live Way Up Here in Canada.

--What a shock at the NFL draft when I heard, “The Rams have drafted Ghandi.” I thought he was a pacifist.

--This just in: Buddy Ryan, that guy Dave Thomas from Wendy’s hamburgers--I have evidence that they are the same man!

--Everybody sit back now and enjoy the first of many Tonya-Nancy movies of the week. In Part I, Harding and Kerrigan give up their jobs as rangers and leave their small town in Texas to lead a big cattle drive up to Montana.

--The Rams have announced that they will definitely take Trent Dilfer next year if Tampa waives him.

--Somebody from Sonoma State got drafted. I thought Sonoma State was a motor oil.

--Sorry, you waited too long. Those UCLA vs. Wisconsin 1995 and 1996 Rose Bowl tickets have already been snapped up.

--The previously undetected heart condition of Evander Holyfield is one more reason why that clown with the parachute could be serving time now for involuntary manslaughter. Let’s see Fan Man parachute out of San Quentin.

--Michael Moorer winning the heavyweight champion of the world is itself enough to give anyone heart failure.

--See, George Foreman could have beaten Evander Holyfield after all. All George had to do was fight left-handed.

--In Part II of their movie of the week, Tonya and Nancy go back to Africa to search for their roots, then shoot J.R. Ewing and nuke a small town in Kansas. We’re talking big ratings here.

--At a video store, look for Bill Laimbeer to be first in line to rent “White Men Can’t Jump” and “Above the Rim.”

--Man, that Isiah Thomas farewell tour was short.

--The Clippers are offering $12 million for three years to the first person who can hold David Robinson under 70.

--I have seen John Daly play golf bald. His driver and three-wood aren’t the only things that need head covers.

--Phil Rizzuto and Harry Caray should call the Kentucky Derby and take turns yelling, “Holy Bull!”

--The Buffalo Sabres beat the New Jersey Devils in four overtimes. I checked something in my NHL rule book. After five overtimes, a game is decided by which team has the most teeth.

--Turns out that all the Kings needed to win a Stanley Cup was for the Montreal goalie’s appendix to burst a year sooner.

--This just in: Dan Patrick of ESPN, that actor David Caruso from “NYPD Blue,” they, too-- the same man!

--When the Knicks win the NBA championship, I wonder if all of New York will burn, or just half.

--If New York wins two in a row, look for a wild party next year at Gov. Stern’s mansion.

--In Part III, Tonya and Nancy meet a strange creature in the woods who keeps saying, “Phone home! Phone home!” Then they are taken by a scarecrow and cowardly lion to Oz, where they are eaten by a giant shark. We’re talking big, BIG ratings here.

--Well, I can’t say anything about the White Sox, but I have gotten a good look at the Cubs. For them, Michael Jordan could bat cleanup.

--Sorry, you waited too long again. Now those 1997 UCLA-Wisconsin tickets are gone, too.

--I really regret that I didn’t cover Kent Mercker’s no-hitter against the Dodgers. My first paragraph would have been: Mercker, He Wrote.