LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on the comet hitting Jupiter and the priorities of scientists: “They can tell you that these comets will crash at exactly 3:54:29 a.m. Ask them if they think it will rain tomorrow, however, and they say, ‘50-50 chance.’ ” Leno also can’t understand the quality of the TV pictures coming all the way from Jupiter: “It’s perfect. Yet the wind blows in L.A. and my cable goes out.”

Leno, on the 25th anniversary of what he calls one of the most unbelievable stories ever told by man: “But enough about Chappaquiddick. . . .”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the wedding of actress Anna Nicole Smith, 26, and oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall III, 89: “Instead of ‘Oh Promise Me,’ the organist played ‘Help Me Make It Through the Night.’ ”

Mills, on Supreme Court nominee Stephen Breyer: “He’s already been awarded the American Bar Assn.’s highest rating--four shark’s teeth.

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the accusation from House Banking Committee Chairman Henry Gonzalez that Republicans are trying to assassinate President Clinton’s character: “That’s simply ridiculous. Every eyewitness says it was a suicide.”

Hamilton, on the state of the space program: “It was more exciting 25 years ago as the United States raced the Soviets to the moon. Now, we’ve got seven people in orbit giving Lamaze classes to salamanders.”

Adds comedy writer Mark Miller: “Researchers say this is the first known case of vertebrates mating and reproducing in space. There have been reports of isolated incidents, however, of vertebrates French-kissing and getting to third base.”

Comedy writer John Mayer reports that Queen Elizabeth II was clearly not amused with recent confessions of marital unfaithfulness by her eldest son: “She has suggested that the author’s byline on the second volume of his highly regarded watercolor landscapes read: By Charles Mountbatten-Windsor, the artist formerly known as Prince.”

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Business update: Reader Bert Feinberg of Van Nuys says that despite the proposed merger of Federated and Macy’s department stores, Federated will have its own entry in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade--a giant balloon payment.

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Western consumer products being snapped up in the Socialist Republic of Vietnam: “One of the most popular items is a snack food called Ho Chi Minh Trail Mix.”

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After Brazil won the World Cup on Sunday, Vicki Torres says, the ubiquitous half-sung, half-chanted refrain, “Ole, ole, ole, ole--Bra-sil! Bra-sil!” filled the streets, restaurants and shops of Pasadena’s Old Town for hours as revelers danced into the wee hours. But for a group of teen-age girls marching down Colorado Boulevard with their hands over their ears, the chant had obviously lost its charm.

“In unison, they sang a counter tune: ‘O.K., O.K., O.K., O.K.! Enough! Enough! ‘ “