LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President’s fondness for card games: “Friends back in Hot Springs say Clinton was always a lot luckier at the card table than the racetrack. Maybe that’s because they never let him shuffle the horses.”

A West Virginia chemical company will open a $15-million insecticide unit to replace one that was destroyed in a 1993 explosion that released 45,000 pounds of toxins. Comedy writer Tony Peyser says company officials are confident that in the new unit, they have “finally gotten all the bugs worked out.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on University of California research that claims music lessons at an early age can improve children’s math scores: “That’s especially true if they have hidden a calculator in their instrument case.”

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Short takes: What do a steel-belted radial tire and 300 condoms have in common? One is a Goodyear and one is a very good year.

--Linda Williams

A Gallup Poll indicates that 59% of Americans say religion is important in their lives. Most added, however, that it’s just not as important as sleeping in on Sunday morning.

--Marc A. Holmes

“John Wayne Bobbitt’s film role proves that to get a break in show business, you don’t need talent--just a good connection.”

--Stan Kaplan

“My last girlfriend treated me like a piece of meat. The problem is that she’s a vegetarian.”

--Bruce Gold

While listening to another melancholy country song the other day, I wondered: Do country singers write “John Deere” letters?

--Leslie Nesbitt, L.A.

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Pigskin salute: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the start of football season: “Fans will see overpaid players battle all fall for even more money. And after the college games, then you can watch the pros.”

The star player was about to flunk out of school and the football coach pleaded with the dean to let him stay eligible.

Finally, the dean agreed to give the player a one-question test that would determine his fate. The coach brought the player to the dean’s office. The dean then asked: “How much is seven plus seven?” The player thought a moment, then answered: “13.”

The panic-stricken coach spoke up and begged the dean: “Please let him stay. He only missed it by two.”

--David Pugh, Sun City

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Reader Helen Stafford of Glendale tells of a friend who brought her 3-year-old daughter to Mass. The young girl sat through the long service quietly, but as the priest was cleaning the chalice after communion, she spoke in a loud voice:

“If that man would wait to do his dishes until after the company leaves, like we do, we could all go home.”