LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Reader file: Steve Due of Inglewood has a question about the Cal State Northridge lineman who is allowed to play football despite being charged with two counts of attempted murder: “What caliber of athlete does CSUN recruit, .22 or .38?”

The Eagles have postponed the remainder of their reunion tour because of guitarist Glenn Frey’s gastrointestinal problems. Doug Adrianson says other band members became suspicious after Frey passed out the following song list for this weekend’s Rose Bowl concert:

* “Life in the Gas Pains”

* “(I Get a) Diseaseful, Queasy Feeling”

* “(Welcome to the) HMO California”

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In the news: Jay Leno, on the mosquito that accidentally got on-board the space shuttle Endeavour: “Do you think that mosquito is looking out the window and saying, ‘I’m way too high now’?”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the resignation of Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy: “Friends say that he is as honest as the day is long. Of course, the days are getting shorter now.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Espy saying he will resign on Dec. 31: “Not because he is guilty, mind you, but because he just prefers being unemployed when those Christmas bills start rolling in.”

Mills, on the British Army captain who claims to have had an affair with Princess Diana: “Queen Elizabeth replied, ‘Oh, really? Which regiment is the private in?’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the two-week exhibit of Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s oil paintings in Michigan: “According to one local critic, Kevorkian’s artwork is OK, but trying to make a living off them would be career suicide.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Hugh Rodham, Hillary Clinton’s brother and a U.S. Senate candidate in Florida: “This would a Washington first. Someone in Congress who’d take Bill Clinton’s phone calls.”

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The trial: Hamilton, on the new “O.J. Simpson Exercise Video” from Playboy: “You walk three steps one way, then turn around and walk three steps the other way. Repeat for 16 hours.”

Not to be outdone, says Leno, Kato Kaelin, O.J.’s freeloading house guest, has come out with his own instructional video: “Brentwood on $5 a Day.”

And comedy writer Willy Wood wonders “whether Judge Lance Ito will grant Kaelin’s request to be allowed to testify from a hammock.”

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Reader Don Wallace of Calabasas says his sheltered grandmother, 75, went to Las Vegas on a senior citizens’ bus tour a few years ago. She had never drank alcohol, but had heard relatives talk of highballs and screwdrivers. As she stood next to a friend at a casino table, a waitress asked if she wanted a drink and waited for an answer.

Finally, my grandmother just stammered: “Oh, just bring me a screwball.”