LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on a female firefighter’s tape called “Male Follies,” shot at the station: “Some of the highlights are men cooking, cleaning and trying to hit the toilet bowl.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the “Female Follies” video: “Cries of sexism are echoing through the department, so a second tape is being produced to show women responding to an emergency: delivering a baby and watching the males pass out.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Orange County’s bankruptcy filing: “Reports are surfacing that former county treasurer Robert L. Citron also heavily invested in L.A. Kings owner Bruce McNall futures.

Reader Milt Schaffer of Westlake Village has a different take on the O.C. debacle: “That bastion of Republicanism has now proven that ‘trickle up’ doesn’t work either.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on an Old English sheep dog seized at JFK airport with five pounds of cocaine sewn into its belly: “Authorities barely found the dog in time. It was going crazy trying to sniff itself.”

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Also in the news: Jay Leno, on upcoming holiday festivities and verdicts: “At least there is some good news. It looks like O.J. will be escorting Heidi Fleiss to the annual cellblock Christmas bash.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on an alternative “Contract With America,” proposed by moderate Democrats: “It’s already being criticized for one fatal flaw--the country can afford to pay for it.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the Agriculture Department’s proposed disclosure of crushed bone on labels: “One poultry firm has already complied with a word change: New Crunchy Style Chicken .”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a lawyer suing an eatery for $1 million because they gave him a double espresso instead of a double decaf: “Anyone who gives a lawyer more energy deserves to be sued.”

Elvis Presley’s Martin guitar brought $54,625 at a recent auction. Says Mills: “the optional clip-on burger and fries holder was auctioned separately.”

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In Eternity, there is a fence between heaven and hell. One day, the devil carelessly backed up his truck and smashed a huge hole through the fence. An excited St. Peter rushed over and demanded that the devil repair it immediately. The devil uttered an obscenity and sneered, “So, sue me!”

St. Peter, taken aback, excitedly shouted, “OK, I will!” The devil howled with laughter.

“What’s so funny?” St. Peter demanded.

“Where are you going to find your lawyer?” the devil yelled.

--Leland P. Hammerschmitt, Ojai *

Seal Beach reader Kathy Courtemarche’s son Bobby, 5, was misbehaving. His father told Bobby to sit in a chair next to him. The boy pestered his dad, continually asking, “How long do I have to sit here?” Finally, his dad said, “Until you learn to behave.”

Bobby replied: “Well, it’s not working!’