LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Georgia, we hardly knewe (sic) ya . . . “Local political leaders are concerned that once the Rams leave, Southern California will no longer be eligible for federal disaster relief.” (Gary Easley)

* “The Rams’ move is enough to make Carroll Rosenbloom turn over in his grave. Then again, what’s another turnover to the Rams?” (Stan Kaplan)

* “The move came about after representatives of the “Show Me” state showed the Rams’ owner huge amounts of cash.” (Terry Heath)

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In the news: Jay Leno, on doctors around the country starting to use maggots to help heal wounds on patients: “I knew I wasn’t going to like this Republican health care plan.”

Heath, on the Super Bowl odds: “The 49ers are 21-point favorites over the Chargers. How embarrassing for Charger fans. The 49ers would be favored by only 17 if they were playing the San Diego Chicken.”

Leno, on McDonald’s Bacon Ranch Cheeseburger that you can even get with extra cheese: “If you order one, the kid at the counter asks, ‘You want angioplasty with that?’ ”

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Business briefs: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Disney chairman Michael Eisner turning down a futuristic new ride at Tomorrowland: “He wants it much scarier, so the plan now is to show a kid getting out of college and looking for a good job.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the CEO of Denny’s quitting: “He says he wrote his resignation letter over a Grand Slam breakfast last October, but he couldn’t catch a waitress’s eye to deliver it.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Kmart wanting two new members for its executive board: “It’s offering candidates attractive benefits and a stock option deal--for the next 15 minutes at the flashing blue light near housewares.”

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Cirque du O. J., Part LXXXVII . . . “F. Lee Bailey is threatening to sue Robert Shapiro for every last dime that O. J. has.” (Leno)

* “Herpetologists at UCLA were quick to point out that tempers are always short this time of year, when lawyers are shedding their skin.” (Mills)

* “They found the knife. It was lodged in Shapiro’s back and has Bailey’s fingerprints on it.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Shapiro is so mad that he struck Bailey’s name from the letterhead. It now reads simply: Alibis by Robert of Century City. “ (Mills)

* “You know that two lawyers fighting each other isn’t going to last long. They can’t charge anyone for it.” (Paul Ryan)

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Reader Cheryl Neprud of Camarillo says that while visiting relatives near Denver, her family was admiring the aspens during a day trip to Colorado Springs. Suddenly, from the back seat, a little voice said, “I don’t like baby aspens.” As everyone else quietly wondered what niece Sarah, 4, had meant, her next statement explained it:

“I don’t like baby Tylenol either.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.