LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: “Instead of Barbra Streisand, the NFL asked Kathie Lee Gifford to sing the national anthem. In a related story, the San Diego Chargers announced that their starting nose tackle will be Regis Philbin,” says reader Alex Kaseberg.

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Kansas educator being named Principal of the Year: “You see him in the hallway with the familiar school administrator’s garb: a navy blue sport coat and a tweed bulletproof vest.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Clinton’s change of course in South-Central L.A.: “In one week, he went from demanding a balanced budget to asking for federal relief for the inner cities. Who says white men can’t jump?”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Dan Quayle’s clean bill of health and his pursuit for the presidency in ‘96: “I asked my doctors about running and they gave me the red light.”

Reader Neal Feinberg, on North Dakota’s state boards’ and commissions’ new acceptance of credit card payments for debts: “Now, when you bribe a politician, you can get awarded miles.”

Reader Jon Michaels, on New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden’s drug troubles: “Next week, he’s being admitted to the Whitey Ford Clinic.”

Reader Alex Pearlstein, on an all-infomercial channel: “Experts wonder if it’s necessary. People who want to see shifty salespeople peddling useless goods day and night already watch C-Span.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the tapping of Clint Eastwood for the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award: “Only one motion picture industry prize still escapes his grasp -- the coveted John Wayne Chair at the Van Damme School of Acting.”

Comedy writer Marc Holmes, on the new M&M; colors: “What about the color ‘lint,’ for all the M&M;’s you find under the couch?”

Jay Leno, on House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s remark that men are biologically driven to hunt for dinner: “If that were true, there would be no Domino’s.”

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O.J. Openers: “Judge Lance Ito ruled that prosecutors won’t be required to prove guilt to ‘a moral certainty.’ Instead, they’ll use the phrase of proving guilt to ‘close enough for government work.’ ” (Kaseberg)

* “Electronic pens will be used to scan evidence in the courtroom. They work just like those in the supermarket. O.J. will be able to give Robert Shapiro an occasional price check.” (Jenny Church)

* “The hotel where the jury is staying is now called the Los Angeles Sequestrian Center.” (Margo Bell)

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Rancho Palos Verdes reader Nissen Davis took his wife and daughter Chelsea, 7, to an Italian restaurant for dinner. When he asked his wife whether she’d like red or white wine with her meal, Chelsea interjected:

“I’d like brown, please. Order me a Coke.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.