LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Fore! The Three Amigos played golf Wednesday at the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic in Indian Wells:

* “Bill Clinton, George Bush and Gerry Ford were playing for their favorite charity: the Make-A-Whiff Foundation.” (Jenny Church)

* “Bush hit two spectators, Ford hit one. That just goes to show you: Republican presidents are dangerous, even out of office.” (Paul Ryan)

* “Clinton wasn’t bothered a bit by the spectators being hit. At $50 a ticket, they had to be Republicans.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “The ball that hit the woman missed the hole by 75 yards. Still, Clinton, Bush and Ford agreed that it was close enough for government work.” (Randall Kirby)

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In the news: David Letterman’s recommendation for the next Surgeon General nominee: “Doc Severinsen.”

Political satirist Mark Russell, on the current nominee: “Henry Foster Jr. is in big trouble because he flagrantly obeyed the law.”

Adds comedy writer Mark Miller: “Foster’s lawyers told Congress that he couldn’t have performed all those abortions because he was practicing his putting at the time.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on star O.J. defense witness Rosa Lopez leaving the country: “Rumor is, she wanted to avoid prosecution for writing Mary Anne Gerchas a bad check.”

Reader Bill Williams of San Mateo says Roseanne’s new husband is going Tom Arnold one better: “He’s getting her Swiss bank account number tattooed on his butt.”

Reader Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove, on L.A. Zoo conditions being so bad that it may lose its accreditation: “Possible solutions include private contributions, a bond issue or going condo.”

Comic Hamilton, on Lloyd Bentsen saying he doesn’t want to be an unofficial consultant for the president: “A consultant is a lot like being a neutered tomcat. You’re allowed near the action but only in an advisory role.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue: “Editors say it is not exploitation or degradation of women. And, if you subscribe now, you get a free hooter phone.”

Adds comedy writer Kevin Healey: “Studies show that the SI swimsuit edition is the No. 1 cause of mothers shouting to their sons: ‘What are you doing in there?’ ”

Comic Bill Maher, on Strom Thurmond: “The senator says his colleagues shouldn’t worry so much about his health and instead should spend more time worrying about what President Harry Truman is doing about those beatniks.”

Comedy writer Ryan, on the new Beirut Marriott: “Don’t miss the grand opening: They’re going to blow the roof off the joint.”

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L.A. reader Edward Baker recently bought a racing bike. After the clerk received Baker’s payment, he asked if Baker needed anything else. Baker said he would like the world with a fence around it.

“I’m sorry, sir,” the clerk replied, “but that item is temporarily out of stock.”