In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Oliver North's new radio show: "You can't miss it. It's just to the right of Rush Limbaugh on the dial. . . . Ollie says his show will be similar in approach to Rush's--just not as factual."
Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: "Ollie doesn't have any records in the studio. His are all down at the Justice Department."
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the GOP's battle to cut public broadcasting: "The network may be spared after coming up with a way to make it more attractive to Republicans. From now on, every station will be a PBS&L.;"
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Disney offering self-discovery and relaxation workshops, and other New Age courses next year in Orlando: "They've even planned a new ride--Indiana Jones and the Temple of Introspection."
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a survey that showed 64% of Americans can identify Judge Lance Ito, while only 52% recognize The Newt: "Additionally, 26% think Georgia Frontiere is just west of Atlanta."
Speaking of Sports . . .: "I hate to tell you this, but another disaster has hit L.A. Looks like the Rams are staying." (Jay Leno)
* "Why did St. Louis get an empty stadium and shattered dreams, while L.A. got the Rams back? St. Louis got first choice ." (Jerry Perisho)
* "The NCAA basketball tournament is under way and for the superstar underclassmen, the question always arises: Do I take the money, cars and clothes? Or do I turn pro?" (Ray)
* "What is the standard triple-double in college basketball? A player scores in double figures in points, rebounds and the SAT ." (Ray)
* "Judge Ito got so carried away with all the objections, he accidentally overruled three calls made by referees in the NCAA playoffs." (Mills)
Cirque du O.J.: "Among other reasons, the juror who was dismissed Friday had failed to tell Judge Ito that he had once attended a 'People's Court' taping and got into a shoving match with Rusty the Bailiff." (Peyser)
* "It appears that, to F. Lee Bailey, semper fidelis means 'out to lunch.' " (Wayne Scott)
* "Work was halted on the MCA tunnel in North Hollywood when engineers discovered the ground was receding. In fact, the tunnel had been sinking so fast that workers had nicknamed it 'O.J.'s Defense.' " (Mills)
* "Things are out of control. Johnnie Cochran is accused of having a mistress, Bailey is accused of lying and Marcia Clark has nanny problems. This isn't a trial, it's a Clinton Cabinet meeting." (Hamilton)
* "Defense witness Max Cordoba said he remembered, while sleeping, an incident about Detective Mark Fuhrman. This makes Cordoba an official member of the Dream Team." (Peyser)
* "The new defense witness has lost all his credibility. Even Ricardo Montalban couldn't sell this Cordoba." (Paul Ecker)
Shirlee Reinhart of San Diego called granddaughter Kailey to wish her happy birthday. "I'm so excited, because I am 5 years old today!" Kailey said.
The little girl paused a moment, then added: "But I still look 4."