Calendar Big Oscars Issue : Have a Crude Crudite : Nothing beats an Oscar party whose edibles are keyed to nominated movies. Who can forget those ‘Crying Game’ eclairs?

Picture this: a roomful of people either eating eclairs and wincing, or fleeing to eat in peace.

It’s my annual Oscar party, this one a couple of years back, and my friend An--she’s the one over there in her usual Oscar-watching attire, vintage black velvet and dripping rhinestones--has brought the eclairs, somewhat modified, as her contribution to the evening’s buffet.

You see, I insist that my guests, in keeping with the evening, bring food either eaten in or suggested by a nominated movie. In 1990, the year “Field of Dreams” was up, for example, corn and hot dogs were on the menu. Tom Hanks nibbled on baby corn in “Big,” and so we did too, in 1989. When both “Passion Fish” and “A River Runs Through It” were nominated, in 1993, we were awash in fish. Understand?

So this particular year, An had decorated the eclairs to re-create a key, er, part of “The Crying Game.” They were very realistic. (If you still don’t know, we won’t give it away, but if you do know, you’ll understand why for some attendees, eating an eclair was not just simply eating an eclair.)

Every year, my caustic and witty friends (the only kind to invite--how else do you get through those exciting technical awards?) rack their brains to come up with the most original or biggest-groan-inducing contribution. But Oscar ’95 presents a problem never before faced: Eating a la “Gump.”

No one would complain about a party serving just shrimp and chocolates, but where’s the challenge? Thus was born this year’s Gump Plus One rule--anyone bringing said crustacean or a box of See’s will be welcomed with open arms (and jaws), but if they want to join their food inside, they must bring something from another movie as well.

It’s not as though the field isn’t wide. All nominated movies are eligible, even documentary short subjects. A wildly eclectic buffet always emerges--it is not unheard of for fried rice, pizza, burritos and 12 desserts to mingle on the table.

“Gump” notwithstanding, it’s perfect when a specific food plays an important role in a nominated movie. I am still grateful to the academy for last year’s nomination of “The Wedding Banquet,” a movie that, in addition to its myriad other virtues, was tailor-made for this kind of party.

And “The Silence of the Lambs” a couple years ago was nirvana: Ignoring the obvious title suggestion, guests fought over who got to bring the liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

*

If you decide to play along at home, here are suggestions to get you started:

* “Pulp Fiction” Quarter Pounder With Cheese (bonus points if someone brings it in a French wrapper).

* Wedding cake (extra credit for tiers) for “Four Weddings and a Funeral.”

* Baked garlic--or Bloody Marys--for “Interview With the Vampire.”

* Chinese food--lots of it--for “Eat Drink Man Woman.” Major bonus points if someone can perfectly replicate Joy Luck Dragon Phoenix.

If a guest is pressed for time, or their powers of invention just aren’t up to it, there are always several nominees with basic dining sequences or connotations. In “A Few Good Men,” for example, there were late-night cram sessions with arrays of takeout food. “Fatal Attraction” featured a great scene with a bagel and cream cheese (though rabbit stew would have been even more inspired). British movies (we miss Merchant Ivory this year) in general inspire scones, fish and chips, trifle and ale.

But encourage your caustic and witty friends to let their imaginations run wild. One year, An lovingly re-created the red velvet armadillo groom’s cake from “Steel Magnolias.” Her labors were noble and much appreciated, but truth be told, it looked like road kill. (We ate it anyway.)

Bad puns flourish: Last year, in addition to the Philadelphia cream cheese supplied by my partner, one couple brought a green salad: “The Romaines of the Day.” (We allowed them to live.) A British couple brought string beans, which they insisted are called running beans in their homeland--for “The Fugitive,” of course. (The embassy was closed; we choose to believe them.)

Then there is dubious taste: the ladyfingers for “The Piano.” “Mississippi Burning” barbecue. Decency forbids us going any further, but rest assured, many have.

W ith your dressed-to-the- nines friends in place (after all, this year marks the return of glamour--make the most of it), and their blood sugar up thanks to the Oscar-specific menu, the tedium of the proceedings should no longer be an issue.

Just in case, remember that anyone can have a pool to guess the winners: The real challenge is trying to predict which segment of film will be used to introduce each acting nominee. (Though sometimes these are so obvious I will turn in mid-movie to my companion to whisper, “Oscar clip.”)

Poll the room to determine the biggest fashion disaster (what Movieline magazine has dubbed the Dress From Outer Space). Or start a pool to guess the time the first presenter-recipient will use the stage as a platform for some completely inappropriate personal agenda.

And should things still drag, remember, there’s always a trip to the buffet. Let’s see, there’s chocolate-covered shrimp, chocolate shrimp fondue, shrimp-flavored bonbons. . . .*