LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Hooray for Hollywood . . . Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Academy Awards: “Vegas oddsmakers have set the line at 6-1 that host David Letterman will hand out a canned ham before the first Oscar is presented.”

Among other things to look for tonight, according to comedy writer Bob Mills:

* If Jodie Foster wins for best actress, she’ll deliver her acceptance speech as her character, “Nell”--with Kato Kaelin as an interpreter.

* For the first time, no one from Price Waterhouse will be present. The rules and voting procedures will be explained by Judge Lance Ito.

* Producers of “Legends of the Fall” will unequivocally state that their movie is not about F. Lee Bailey’s performance on the Dream Team.

The Academy will also present a special lifetime achievement award to Chevy Chase, says comedy writer Jenny Church: “Special focus will be placed on his most famous starring vehicle: ‘Chitty, Chitty Talk Show.’ ”

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In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Postal Service issuing Civil War commemorative stamps: “The Union will be represented by its leader, Ulysses S. Grant. The Confederacy will be represented by its leader, Jesse Helms.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Gov. Pete Wilson forming a committee to “explore” a run for the presidency: “California has been declared a disaster area six times since he’s been governor. So he has to stay on Bill Clinton’s good side at least until the rainy season ends.”

* Adds Ray: “Pete’s taken a state with a high crime rate followed by a failing economy and turned it around. It now has a failing economy followed by a high crime rate.”

Monterey Park reader Glen Davis, on Patricia Hearst modeling in a Paris fashion show: “I guess her terrorist days aren’t over.”

* Adds San Mateo reader Bill Williams, on her choice of a fuchsia body- suit: “For dressing like that, she should be locked in a closet for two weeks.”

Comedy writer David Evjen, on Diet Coke hunk Lucky Vanous’ upcoming role in a movie with Wilford Brimley: “The bad news is that Brimley is the one who takes his shirt off.”

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A minister was preaching on the evils of drink, and as his sermon drew to a close, he became more adamant in his opposition to alcohol: “If I had all the liquor in the city, I would throw it in the river.”

He then added that if he had all the liquor in the state, he would throw that in the river too. In closing his sermon, he stated that if he had all the liquor in the country, that also would be thrown in the river.

Since it was almost time to close the service, the minister said there was time for one more hymn and asked if there were any requests.

From the back of the congregation came one loud voice: “No. 37--’Shall We Gather at the River?’ ”

--Grace MacCrea

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Oak Park resident Valerie Nelson’s son Reid asked his parents whether God is a man or a woman. When his dad said he didn’t know, the boy then asked:

“Is God a boy’s name or a girl’s name?”