The Tails That Wag the Dogs

Downey’s California:

--When her Cincinnati Red baseball players were in a slump, screwball owner Marge Schott did something about it. She gave each of them a gift:

Hair from her dog.

Last time I looked, the pet-loving Reds had won 26 of their last 32 games.

When his New York Yankee baseball players were in a slump, hardball owner George Steinbrenner did something about it. He gave each of them an order:

No more hair on your chins.

Last time I looked, the goatee-free Yankees had won three of their last 18 games.

Among the conclusions you may draw:

(a) Better Red than shed.

(b) Hairball fever. Catch it.

(c) Why can’t owners go on strike?

Marge and George, the Ethel and Fred Mertz of baseball, haven’t meddled in their teams’ affairs as much as in the past. They’ve been as quiet as a crowd in Seattle.

Giving out samples of a St. Bernard’s coat to be used as lucky charms is not disruptive. As long as the comedy act of Schott and Schottzie amuses the team rather than abuses it, the Reds can laugh it off.

Ordering grown men to shave grown hair, however, is tantamount to treating them like children. It can’t affect ability but it can affect morale.

If Steinbrenner wants clean-shaven athletes, let him own swimmers.

--Rule 99-BB (z), just added to the baseball rule book:

No fan may boo, jeer, heckle, hiss, dis, harass, irk, annoy or otherwise bother Barry Bonds during the course of a game unless the boo-er can play baseball better than the boo-ee. Any misuse or abuse of Barry Bonds without the express permission of Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited.

--Hundreds of times now, I have heard a broadcaster refer to a player as someone who “really loves to win.”

As opposed to whom?

--Hundreds of times now, I have heard a broadcaster refer to a team meeting “behind closed doors.”

As opposed to where?

--The good news is, baseball’s all-stars will not be going on strike again this summer.

They can’t. They’re all on the disabled list.

--Question: Do you believe that high school player Kevin Garnett could help the Clippers?

Answer: I believe that any high school player could help the Clippers.

--Question: Who has the best legs among females in sports?

Answer: Serena’s Song.

--Question: Why should the Dodgers trade for Pittsburgh’s Jeff King?

Answer: Because they’ve already had Duke Snider and Tom Prince.

--Boxing’s inhuman--yeah, right. And pounding the hell out of one another to advance a leather ball or a rubber puck is civilized entertainment. Or whipping a horse so he’ll run faster. Or keeping a girl’s weight down to 69 pounds so she can swing from a metal bar. Or throwing a rope around a terrified calf and tying three of its legs.

Oh, that boxing. How cruel.

--I can’t believe UCLA didn’t enroll Raul Mondesi for a week so it could win the College World Series.

--Saw Reggie Miller on “The Tonight Show.”

Stay tuned next week for even more guests from NBA semifinal teams.

--After seeing Arkansas lose, I thought Bill Clinton might have closed Pennsylvania Avenue so he could keep UCLA’s basketball players from visiting.

--It doesn’t surprise me that Marcus Allen might be called as a trial witness.

What does surprise me is that I hear the trial might be moved to Oakland.