LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the United Nations’ 50th anniversary: “The militia movement claims the U.N.’s ‘New World Order’ will take over the world. Right. It can’t even get member nations to pay their dues.”

Jay Leno, on the New York government teacher arrested for demanding bribes from a student in exchange for a passing grade: “What crime did the teacher commit? He was just teaching the kid how government works.”

Cutler Rock Comedy, on Visa and MasterCard developing software that will allow users to make credit purchases on the Internet without having their card numbers stolen by hackers: “The two companies are very concerned. They only want their interest rates to rob you blind.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Bill and Hill spending the weekend in Little Rock: “The Clintons really enjoyed seeing all their old political cronies. Sunday is visitors day, you know.”

Peyser, on the National Rifle Assn. being mired in red ink for four years: “Who knew the gun lobby was shooting blanks?”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the Raiders moving back to Oakland: “For the first time in years, Los Angeles will be left without a color scheme to clothe gang members.”

Cutler, on Darryl Strawberry’s return to baseball: “First 5,000 fans at his first game in Yankee Stadium will receive a complimentary Strawberry ‘wanted’ poster.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Heidi Fleiss’ federal trial: “She’s charged with making a false statement on a bank loan. But she always says it’s her first time.”

Will Couzin, on the device to aid impotent men that operates with a simple remote control: “It will bring a whole new meaning to ‘fast forward.’ . . . This really is VCR Plus!”

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Cirque du O.J. . . . Making the rounds at City Hall, from an unknown source: “O.J.’s lawyers have filed for a change of venue. They want his case decided by the City Council.”

* “What caused the Hollywood Boulevard sinkhole? Apparently an LAPD truck was driving down the road, carrying all the evidence against O.J.” (Leno)

* “When O.J. seemed to struggle to put on the bloody gloves, the jury was left to decide which is more unlikely: That O.J. is innocent, or that O.J. can act.” (Bill Maher)

* “When O.J. had no trouble fitting into a new pair of leather gloves, he then asked the court: ‘Can I keep these? I lost my old ones.’ ” (Dennis Miller)

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Huntington Beach reader Jeffrey Siegel’s daughter Heather, 5, was intrigued by a promo for an upcoming TV program. When Heather told her mother she planned to go outside and play until it came on, her mom asked her when it began:

“Six o’clock,” Heather replied . “Five Central.”