A Real Fight of Century

Downey’s California:

--The only thing I would rather see than a Tyson-Foreman fight is a Tyson-Fuhrman fight.

--For the right price, I believe Jerry Jones would let the Dallas Cowboys be sponsored by the San Francisco 49ers.

--Quick impression, TV news in Baltimore: “Cal Ripken has a cold! Clinton declares war on Iraq! These stories tonight on Action News at 11!”

--Pat Riley’s biggest fear: Spike Lee in a Heat jersey.

--I see where the Rev. Jerry Falwell is crusading for prayer in the end zone. This won’t affect the New York Giants, who can’t get to the end zone.

--UCLA’s quarterback has a concussion and cannot remember the Miami game. Miami’s players should be so lucky.

--L.A. fans must have wanted third baseman Robin Ventura of the White Sox more than I thought. I’m seeing his name on highways all over town.

--I heard Tonya Harding sing. She should stick to crime.

--A Big Ten football fan asked my opinion of “Simeon Rice in Champaign.” I said I’d rather have a hamburger or popcorn.

--Don’t forget, USC opens this week against SJS.

--Followed by games with UH, UA, ASU, UC, WSU, the big ND game, UW, SU, OSU and the showdown with the University of California at Los Angeles.

--A Colorado-Seattle World Series. Ick.

--Frank Bruno is heavyweight champion of the world. Raise your hand if you have already beaten Frank Bruno. Raise your hand if you think you can beat Frank Bruno.

--Hockey teams are passing Luc Robitaille around like a puck.

--Pittsburgh’s best hockey player is ill, best football players are hurt and best baseball players left town. And you thought L.A. was a fun place.

--Cincinnati Bengals, Tampa Bay Buccaneers win on same day. More on this bizarre story as it develops.

--I keep hearing Oscar De La Hoya is fighting someone named General Hernandez, but I can’t find out which army he’s from.

--Somebody give those Budweiser frogs a gig.

--Probable tabloid headline in New York today: “LOU GEHRIG--OVERRATED?”

--I went to that movie “The Usual Suspects” because I thought it would be about the Seattle Seahawks.

--If Mike Piazza takes the batting title, I predict that Tony Gwynn will prolong his career by becoming a catcher.

--Philadelphia’s fans were about as nice to Ricky Watters as hunters are to deer.

--NFL trivia: Carolina has never won a game in overtime.

--Karl (Mailman) Malone is so upset by this union business that he is considering playing basketball in Europe next season. Yet another disgruntled postal worker.

--Thousands of Greeks turned out at the Athens airport to meet Dominique Wilkins when he arrived to play basketball. This is simply a hunch, but I believe Dominique’s agent misunderstood an invitation to Dominique to come visit the state university in Athens, Ga.

--Nike’s involvement could mean--uh-oh--Michael Jordan, Dallas Cowboy.

--Excerpt from Cal Ripken’s speech, echoing throughout the stadium: “I-I-I consider myself-self-self the most tired man-man-man on the face-face-face of the Earth-Earth-Earth.”

--If the Orioles went on strike today, I believe their owner would agree to a one-day-only lineup card of: Scab, rf; Scab, 2b; Ripken, ss; Scab, 1b; Scab, c; Scab, lf; Scab, 3b; Scab, cf; Scab, dh.

Cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame.

We play Northwestern, we lose the game.

Send a note to NBC.

No win-or-refund guarantee.

What though the odds be great or small.

Old Notre Dame won’t give up football.

While her loyal sons are marching

Onward to lose to USC.