LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

Ah, the Academy Awards! Says Steve Tatham, “It’s always refreshing when Hollywood takes time out of its busy schedule of glad-handing and sycophantic pandering to give itself an awards show.”

* “It was a long night for the whole family, especially if you count the three hours it took to do the dishes during commercials.” (Kenny Noble)

* “This year, women were honored for playing a nun, three hookers and a pig. That’s not a list of nominees--that’s the first line of a Buddy Hackett joke.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “A melee erupted out front. Bob Dole and Pat Buchanan got into a fight over who would get to put the fig leaf on the giant Oscar.” (Alex Pearlstein)

According to the Cutler Daily Scoop, when the lips say, “It’s a thrill just being nominated,” what the brain really means is:

* “And if you believe that, I’m a better actor than you think.”

* “Because I was getting damn sick of Tom Hanks’ face.”

* “Humility is one of my many awesome qualities.”

The American Lung Assn. gave “Babe” an award for not showing any of the actors smoking, says Gary Easley. “That’s because the filmmakers changed the ending due to artistic differences. They couldn’t decide between hickory and mesquite.”

*

In the news: One of the polling places in today’s election is a plumbing company. Says Jenny Church, “Voters can see the tub in which Steve Forbes took a bath, and watch Buchanan’s chances go down the toilet.”

Dole paid a visit to Richard Nixon’s grave in Yorba Linda. Says Tony Peyser, “Onlookers swore they heard a voice from the grave say, “You’re standing a little too far to the right.”

Kato Kaelin says he now believes O.J. did it. Says Easley, “There, that ought to silence those critics of his radio show who thought he seemed a little slow.”

A Nashville insurance broker’s toll-free number is the same one used in Spike Lee’s new phone-sex movie, “Girl 6.” Says Bill Williams, “He doesn’t really mind all the calls. How else could he talk to Charlie Sheen, Hugh Grant and President Clinton all in the same day?”

Two 11-year-olds were suspended from a Florida elementary school for kissing. Says Cutler, “Both kids have been tested for cooties.”

Seahawks owner Ken Behring, who said fear of earthquakes was his reason for moving the team to Anaheim, is going to keep it in Seattle after all. Says Cutler, “He’s relieved he won’t have to endure all that Southern California rain.”

*

Reader Don Warren of Lake Forest was traveling in New Zealand with niece Mandy and her son Jack, then a few months shy of age 4. At the Wellington Harbor ferry dock, Mandy asked the ticket seller how much Jack’s fare would cost. “He’s free,” was the reply.

At that, Jack stretched himself up to his full height and declared: “I’m free and free-quarters!”