You have to get in line to...

You have to get in line to make a deal in this town:

A woman clad in a blazer, jeans and boots showed up at The Times’ Festival of Books on Sunday morning, determined to attend one particular seminar.

She was unfazed by the fact that all the tickets for the free session “What Does a Good Literary Agent Do?” already had been distributed to the people in line at UCLA.

Rulon Openshaw of Los Feliz, who was one of the ticket-holders, said: “She announced very matter-of-factly: ‘I’ve got to attend this seminar. Anyone who wants to sell their ticket--I’ll pay $100 in cash.’ ”

The woman quickly found a taker and forked over the money, in the form of two $50 bills.

Commented Openshaw: “She’ll have no problem making it in this business. She understands where the power lies.”

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK: Herman Ackley of North Hollywood sent along a notice from the city Bureau of Street Maintenance, which warned a homeowner to remove the debris on his property. What caught Ackley’s eye was this sentence: “The cost of removal by City Forces will substantially exceed any removal cost you may incur by the use of a private contractor.”

Ackley’s reaction: “Small wonder that the mayor wants to privatize certain city functions.”

A LOAD OFF ONE’S MIND: Robin White of South Pasadena came across the accompanying business card and observed: “It appears that after this guy removes your yard, he takes your wits out, too.” (see excerpt)

Yes, but he’s cheaper than city workers.

DUELING SIGNS: Rosie Rosenlof found a pair of signs at odds in Carson, where the 100 east block seems to extend in several directions. “Actually,” Rosenlof adds, “this corner sign is correct--234th curves into 233rd. Unusual!” (see photo)

SPEAKING COLUMNIST TO MARINE: Attorney F. Lee Bailey, who was released after being held for 44 days in a Florida jail for contempt of court, complained that he had trouble borrowing the cash needed for his release because people are angry over his role in the O.J. Simpson trial.

Well, we want to assure Bailey that we can think of several things we like about him. For instance:

* He doesn’t live in L.A.

* He doesn’t get along with Robert Shapiro.

* He doesn’t have a book coming out on the Simpson trial.

* He doesn’t have a talk show.

* He doesn’t have to imagine what life is like behind bars.

* He’s a connoisseur of good food and drink.

* He’s friendly to airline attendants (two of whom he has married).

And, finally:

* He’s become a valuable source for jokes, including Jay Leno’s line, “Who would have thought O.J. Simpson would be riding around in a car with license plates made by F. Lee Bailey?”

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Bailey actually hosted a short-lived TV show called “Lie Detector” in 1983, in which guests took on-camera polygraph tests. “The Complete Directory to Prime Time Network TV Shows” said the guests “were generally people who had been in the news or on its fringes, due to claims of UFO sightings, reincarnation, involvement in scandals, etc.” Gee, if Bailey’s show was revived for one episode, wonder if he could find any former murder defendants willing to participate?