Steve Harvey will be on vacation until...

Steve Harvey will be on vacation until Tuesday. While he’s gone, this space will be filled with excerpts from his book “The Best of Only in L.A.,” just published by the L.A. Times Syndicate. Here are some items from the “Mail” chapter.

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YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK: When a librarian at Southwestern University Law School wrote to City Hall requesting a list of City Council members, he instead was mailed a sheet with the betting spreads for that week’s pro football games.

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WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS SUSPECTED ABOUT POSTAL RATES: In a downtown magazine shop, a stamp machine had this sign: “Out of Control.”

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STUPID COMPUTER TRICKS: Ken Jaffe was baffled when he received a letter addressed to Ns Senio R. L A Me. Then he realized the computer was trying to make contact with his sports team, the L.A. Westside Mens Senior Baseball League.

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FINANCES CAN BE CHILD’S PLAY: Transamerica Financial Services wrote to Brian Cagle of Westchester, offering to make him a $3,000 loan “in just two working days.” Family members were surprised. For one thing, Brian was unemployed and still living at home with his parents. Like most 1-year-olds.

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ANOTHER INFANT FINANCIER: “This is not a misprint,” said the computerized offer sent to a Sylmar residence. “Your name, Mr. Marcos Baxter, is definitely on the list which guarantees you will receive certified bank checks from United States Purchasing Exchange for over $2 million.”

The small print advised Baxter to sign and return an eligibility affidavit.

Marcos, unfortunately, couldn’t write yet, being only 7 months old.

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MAYBE THE NEXT OF KIN WEREN’T FORWARDING THE MAIL: The solicitation from USC seemed to be properly addressed. But next to the name of the addressee was this notation: “Deceased.” Then came the opening sentence: “It has been more than five years since you last supported USC . . .”

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SOME OF THOSE CIVIL SERVICE JOBS: A postal patron overheard this request for the new self-adhesive stamps: “I’d like a book of those pre-licked stamps.”

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POSTAL REBATE: When a rate increase boosted the price of a book of stamps to $5.80, postal workers in Santa Monica faced a dilemma. The vending machines would not return dimes in change, meaning that anyone who inserted $6 in currency to buy one of the books would be stiffed 20 cents.

The solution: Taping two dimes in change to each book. “It’s easier to package them with the stamps than retrofitting the machines,” said a spokesman.

Clerks on limited duty for medical reasons were assigned to the coin-taping detail.

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RETURN TO SENDER The man was flailing his arms and cursing at the clerk in an Atwater post office. The people waiting in line, aware of episodes of violence in postal settings, stiffened nervously.

But the man confined his anger to words and eventually left.

A clerk was asked what the dispute was about.

“Well,” she said, “we told him we ran out of Elvis stamps.”

miscelLAny:

The postcards that came into the CARE charity in West L.A. said something about the honesty of postal clerks. Every week for several years, the cards arrived with $20 bills stapled to them in plain view. The donor was anonymous.