Out of Pan and Into the Friars

Downey’s California:

--Tonight in Mexico, the San Diego Padres open a three-game series. Down there, they call them the San Diego Fathers.

--The Republicans are divided, 60-40, over whether to let the Padres back.

--Mexico City should have a major league franchise. As a matter of fact, it can have Anaheim’s.

--Another baseball strike? This sort of thing would never happen if Elizabeth Dole were president. I mean Bob.

--Here is my reaction to Eddie Murray’s upcoming 500th home run: “No comment. Get out of my face.”

--Five more homers and Andre Dawson would have as many as Dave Kingman. I say what the hell, we give Andre the five!

--If all 24 Montreal Expos get suspended, would the Expos forfeit their next game or would they bring up 24 new guys from the minors? I’m just asking, in case it happens.

--Hey, Moises Alou: Thou shalt not brawl.

--Any Expo tries anything on the Dodgers, and Tom Lasorda will order a baseball thrown at the Montreal vice president.

--Darryl Strawberry on deck behind Cecil Fielder is like Siskel on deck behind Ebert.

--I just went to a book store, where, to my amazement, I found a book that wasn’t about golf.

--Scientists found a rock that proves the possibility of life on ancient Mars. I’ll lay you 10 to 1, it turns out to be an old Titleist.

--Pat Riley is so mad at the NBA, he probably has copyrighted the phrase “Heat-Cheat” to put on T-shirts.

--Juwan Howard got $100 million, thus becoming the first $100-million player you wouldn’t recognize if you saw him.

--Now, let me get this straight. Coaching the Clippers would mean Bill Fitch feels better?

--I hope Shaquille O’Neal plays longer in Los Angeles than his movie did.

--HBO is running a new series featuring Robert Wuhl as a sports agent who is as sneaky as he is greedy. As I have always said, HBO has the best documentaries on television.

--In ESPN’s new football magazine, Tom Jackson picks the Indianapolis Colts to be in the Super Bowl. Tom, I personally believe that there are Indianapolis Colts who don’t believe the Indianapolis Colts will ever be in a Super Bowl.

--I will go with the Ravens and Jaguars in the Super Bowl, although for all I know, they could be in the same conference.

--Should the Dallas Cowboys win, party at Michael Irvin’s place! Room 249! Shhh, don’t tell anybody!

--I like the Bears this season. Not to win anything. I just like the Bears.

--At Cowboy camp, Deion Sanders recently intercepted a pass to himself. He returned it 97 yards, then tackled himself at the two.

--Good news about the Lakers giving a contract to Jackie Joyner-Kersee. What’s that? Oh, Jerome.

--The University of Miami’s football players look strong this season, although lifting weights in the prison yard sure helps.

--Nobody knows the real reason the Rose Bowl changed its policy about which teams to invite. I happen to know that the game’s chairman once said, “We won’t change until Northwestern makes the Rose Bowl or Pasadena freezes over, whichever comes first.” He now is out buying a coat.

--Cigar lost, but still wants his contract renegotiated or will file for free agency.

--Well, my paper just ran a story: “Steffi Graf advances past second round of tournament.” Say, there’s a story you don’t see every day.

--The good news for Terry Pendleton is that he is an Atlanta Brave again. The bad news for Terry is that he has to use the Atlanta public transportation system again.

--If Atlanta’s team bus leaves for the World Series now, it should get there by October.