Punch Lines

Playing the field: A 12-year-old fan won a playoff game for the Yankees on Wednesday by reaching over the fence to grab a fly ball, which was ruled a home run. Says Hy Faber, “It was the best catch of the year, next to JFK Jr.”

* He adds, “The kid did such a great job for the Yankees, George Steinbrenner fired him.”

The Orioles’ controversial Roberto Alomar won his sixth straight Gold Glove award. Says Alan Ray, “It was an emotional moment at the stadium. There wasn’t a dry umpire in the place.”

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In the news: Tough choice, says Mark Gonzales. “The networks had live coverage of the vice presidential debate. The Home & Garden Channel was showing grass growing. Thank goodness for VCRs!”

Bruce Springsteen was upset that the Dole campaign blared his song “Born in the USA” at a rally in New Jersey. Says Alex Pearlstein, “He was especially incensed that they played the song while tearing up a hot-dog vendor’s green card.”

On that ad starring Elizabeth Dole, Argus Hamilton says: “Mrs. Dole says her husband is telling the truth about the 15% tax cut--that he doesn’t make promises unless he intends to keep them. That’s the second Mrs. Dole, if you’re keeping track of vows.”

Clinton signed into law a bill to make air travel safer and less frightening. Says Jenny Church, “What, he outlawed those in-flight meals?”

Disney got approval to build a new theme park called “The California Adventure.” Says Gonzales, “The park will include Mudslideland, Earthquakeland, Riotland and Infernoland.”

Dr. Joycelyn Elders, who resigned as surgeon general amid furor over her support for teaching kids about masturbation, has a new book out. Says Steve Voldseth, “I bought a copy--just for the articles, of course. Bookstores don’t know whether to put it with the biographies or the do-it-yourself handbooks.”

Tiny Tim, is out of the hospital after suffering a heart attack on stage. Says Gary Easley, “Prognosis: He has no chance of getting back to normal, but doctors hope he can return to his old self.”

CBS is flooding the airwaves with new sitcoms this fall. Says Hamilton, “Parents and police are concerned. They’re fearful that more comedy on TV will only lead to more comedy on the streets.”

Through the magic of computer imaging, the late George Burns will play the role of God in the new film “The Best Man.” Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Typical Hollywood. A dead actor has an easier time getting a role than an aging actress.”

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Reader Marilyn Butz says 4-year-old Rene hopped onto one of two coin-operated horses outside a supermarket. On the other horse was a 2-year-old boy whose father was asking him, “What do you say to the horsie when you want him to stop?”

The little one replied, “Whoa, horsie!”

The man then turned to Rene and asked, “And what do you say when you want him to go?”

Rene replied:

“Put another quarter in!”