Punch Lines

In the news: Amazingly, Southern Californians seem to have gotten used to the fire season. Says Mike Reeder, “What really frightens us is what comes next: insurance adjuster season.”

The Braves whomped the Yankees to take a 2-0 lead in the World Series. Says Alex Kaseberg, “When asked how they are so easily defeating their opponents, a Braves spokesperson explained, ‘Good pitching, power hitting and avoiding any public association whatsoever with Hillary.’ ”

The New York Daily News has endorsed Clinton. The Chicago Tribune has endorsed Dole. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “And the Weekly World News has endorsed the elusive Sasquatch.”

The Dole campaign is making its big push in California. They’ve sent in two extra strategists to oversee “resource allocation.” Says Jenny Church, “That means more guys with shovels marching behind the elephants.”

A landscaper at Al Gore’s home was charged as an illegal immigrant. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Little did Dole know how lucky he’d get when he told his aides to ‘Dig up a little dirt on Gore.’ ”

Shops report that the O.J. Halloween costume is selling well, says Bob Mills. . . . “Although the kids complain that the gloves don’t fit.”

More fallout from the fall of the Soviet Union: A survey shows that many Russian schoolchildren don’t know who Lenin was. Says Gary Easley, “Hey, America also has lots of kids who can’t tell you who started the Beatles.”

Jet-car pilot Craig Breedlove is attempting to break the land speed record of 633 mph. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “His favorite song is ‘I Can’t Drive 555.’ ”

JFK Jr. says he was inspired to propose after he was gazing out a window one day, pondering the marriage decision, and noticed a Nike ad that said “Just do it!” Says the Olympia Daily World, “It’s a good thing he wasn’t sitting there wondering what a sex-change operation would be like.”

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Don’t call her “Bubbles”: Doll collectors will soon have four new Barbies from the Coca-Cola collection to choose from. The first will be 1907-era Soda-Fountain Sweetheart Barbie. Says Jerry Perisho, “It will quickly be followed by Head-Full-of-Cavities Barbie (dental chair sold separately), Hyperactive-on-Caffeine-and-Sugar Barbie (comes with blood-pressure cuff) and 40%-Body-Fat Barbie (comes with a whole collection of clothes that don’t fit).”

There’s also a new Calvin Klein Jeans Barbie. Says Paul Steinberg, “Actually, Calvin wanted to work with Barbie’s little sister, Skipper, but the publicity was just too much for him.”

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Readers Roy and Zoe Siegel of Upland took their daughter, her husband and two grandchildren to a baseball game. Grandma was explaining the game to 4-year-old Ashley. She described how the batter tries to hit the ball, then run around the bases and finally go home. Ashley thought that over for a bit, then asked:

“If they all go home, who will play the game?”