Punch Lines

At the oold baall gaaaame: The Yankees just aren’t looking that good in the World Series, says Hy Faber. “Last night one player went to scratch himself and missed.”

* He adds, “Braves left fielder Andruw Jones is going to use his World Series bonus to buy a vowel.”

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In the news: Bob Dole met with GOP governors this week and got some candid campaign advice, says Argus Hamilton. “They told him to put women and children first. Not on the agenda, but in the lifeboats.”

President Clinton believes you don’t have to fool all of the people all of the time, says Charlie Reinke. “Only on election day will do.”

Dole has made the most of his disability, says Alan Ray. “He can do a lot with just one hand: Write, drive a car, count his electoral votes. . . .”

A new study says 18.7 million kids have access to the Internet. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “They’re the new generation of Mouse-keteers.”

Lousy weather snarled air traffic and closed JFK and Dallas-Fort Worth airports. Says Hamilton, “Stranded passengers ran out of money paying airport food prices. They greeted arriving flight attendants with cardboard signs reading ‘Will work for peanuts.’ ”

The U.S. Postal Service unveiled its new Hanukkah stamp. Says Jenny Church, “Use one and it will take eight days for your letter to arrive.”

A Las Vegas deputy district attorney, stopped by a cop, was found to have cocaine and a prostitute in his car. Says Gary Easley, “He was let go after he promised not to bill overtime for taking his work home with him.”

Forbes magazine reports that avid golfers can arrange to have their ashes scattered across the fairways at Pebble Beach. Says Vince Vieceli, “So next time you replace a divot, think of it as giving somebody back their toupee.”

England has a new law making pants a required part of the uniform for female police officers. Says Steve Voldseth, “Now, if they could just make that law apply to members of the royal family. . . .”

A National Enquirer poll named Prince William as the world’s most eligible bachelor. Says Hamilton, “That doesn’t say much for the current crop of men. Apparently, women think a 14-year-old boy will grow up before the rest of us do.”

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Reader Vern Fagin of Studio City says his son Matt, 10, a World War II buff, was watching the World Series when Dad came into the room. Matt told him about the beer commercial featuring a sergeant and Gen. Patton. When Dad corrected that the general was actually actor John Wayne, Matt said: “Hey, what do you want--I’m a kid.” Then he gave his father a suspicious look and said:

“You’re not gonna send this in to Laugh Lines, are you?”