Celtics Not Even Close to a Cigar These Days

Gloom wafts in like cigar smoke in this city, where hero worship has been raised to an art form. If you live by the hero, you die by the hero, which is why they’ll never forget this year.

The Boston College betting scandal. . . . Roger Clemens’ departure. . . . Published reports that Bruin players quit in an attempt to get Coach Steve Kasper fired. . . . Speculation that Bill Parcells will leave next.

Not that they’re taking it hard, but Mike Barnicle, a Boston Globe metro page columnist who had appeared on such weighty shows as “MacNeil Lehrer News Hour,” kissed off municipal politics et al to write an ode to the departing Rocket:

“Face it: If Clemens had not once been able to consistently throw a baseball 95 mph past men with bats in their hands, he would be wearing bib overalls and sitting on a milk crate at the open door of a trailer somewhere, brushing his tooth while shooing flies away from his head.”

Then there are the Celtics, once emblems of all Boston liked about itself, now bums in black hightops, headed for the lottery, forgotten.

Last Sunday when they lost at Detroit, their TV rating was 0.7, lowest for any sports event, behind the Patriot-Cowboy game, 32.9; NBC’s NFL postgame show, 32.9; NBC’s NFL pregame show, 6.9; Diners Club golf, 2.7; NFL Films Presents, 2.4; the Bruin-Flyer game, 1.9, and the taped UMass basketball show, 1.5.

The next night, the Celtics returned home and were mopped up by the younger, bigger, vastly superior Milwaukee Bucks, coached by former Celtic Chris Ford, run by former Celtic point guard Sherman Douglas. Against a 6-10, 6-9, 6-7 front line, they sent out Dino Radja, Eric Williams and Rick Fox. Surprise, they were outrebounded, 58-36.

“Yeah, we are struggling,” General Manager-Coach M.L. Carr, the old towel waver, says in a rare lapse in the optimism that has many Celtic fans gagging.

“I came along in the years when you don’t make excuses. I felt that with Pervis [Ellison] and with Brick [Frank Brickowski], we’d get by as best we could this year and obviously we’d take a look at the draft next year. But I felt we could compete, Alton [Lister] in that mix.

“But all of a sudden, none of those guys is with us. Alton is out until the L.A. trip or beyond that. Pervis is out probably for the season. . . .

“But that can happen in the NBA. As far as I’m concerned, goes with the territory. I’m not overly concerned. Botton line is, the most important thing for this young team as it goes through a transition is to develop some of the young players anyway, Antoine Walker, Eric Williams, David Wesley.”

Look in the draft, indeed. The Celtics went 5-17 while playing 13 at home and figure to fall even lower, perhaps to the bottom, where they can draft Wake Forest’s Tim Duncan, whose name is heard as often now as any Celtic’s. Said a Boston sports anchor narrating Wake Forest highlights last week, “You know you want him.”

Red Auerbach, genius emeritus, lives in Washington and comes up for occasional games. Paul Gaston, fledgling owner and investment banker, lives in New York and comes up for occasional games.

It was Gaston who plucked the inexperienced Carr from the community relations department and handed him the basketball operation. Buffered by absence and distance, Gaston can’t believe the locals are no longer amused by M.L.’s incessant calls to glory and tales of Celtics past.

“It’s pretty amazing because nobody has talked to me,” Gaston said last week of reports that Carr is in trouble. “So I wouldn’t lend any credibility to that.”

Actually, Gaston doesn’t have any credibility to lend. After three directionless years with him as owner, the team is a cinch to fall below 9-21, its worst start ever, posted in 1946-47. In this longest Celtic night, the blind are leading the blind.

Of course, it’s only a problem here. Everywhere else, it’s entertainment for the whole family. Hey Red, got a light?

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, CELTIC DANCERS!

The Celtics are the last team without a dance troupe, although their objection seems to be rooted more in price than principle.

“I’ll tell you this,” Carr says, “if we ever do have cheerleaders or a dance team, it’ll be a corporate-sponsored thing and we’ll make a lot of money off it. They’ll be called the New Balance somethings or something like that.

“I don’t think it would just be to have people to cheer the team. You’re always thinking of ways to generate revenue and maybe some corporation will want to spend an enormous amount of money for that publicity.”

DENNIS AND MICHAEL AND SCOTTIE AND PHIL (CONT.)

Since we last checked in with the Bulls when the end was so clearly in sight:

Dennis Rodman has come back repentant, admitting he deserved everything Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen said about him--”It was the truth. I haven’t been playing hard.”

Rodman has played harder, taking 73 rebounds in four games.

He ripped Shaquille O’Neal: “I mean, $120 million? No way. If I was an owner, no way I’d ever pay a man $120 million if he’s not the total package.”

Rodman, dressed as the Grim Reaper to emcee a Stone Temple Pilots concert, scorched the NBA in language as bad as that he was suspended for: “I’m the kind of guy that says . . . y’all.”

Jordan and Pippen wrestled Rodman to the floor in the Laker game to keep him from tangling with O’Neal. Coach Phil Jackson congratulated Jordan and Pippen, saying, “I’ve been after these guys to do that for a year now.”

Jordan went 10 for 26 against the Hornets and 10 for 32 against the Lakers.

The Bulls won six in a row.

NAMES AND NUMBERS

Pat Riley teams have two moods, grim and grimmer: That Knick upset in Miami was accompanied by the usual cheers from expatriate New Yorkers who always pack the place, once again infuriating Heat players. Said Alonzo Mourning, “I don’t give a damn about the fans, especially our fans because they are bandwagon fans.” Said Riley: “I understand the fans come down here in the winter from New York, but this team just played nine very good games. To have what happened to us at the end, it’s a little disconcerting. You wonder why we work so damn hard to get that sort of treatment.”

Riley was angry at his players for losing to the Indiana Pacers after Tim Hardaway went out early. He even gave the crew from “Inside Stuff,” the league’s happy-talk joint venture with NBC, a hard time, no doubt remembering Commissioner David Stern’s handling of the Juwan Howard affair. Told by the producer this was an NBA-affiliated project, Riley said, “I don’t do anything for the NBA. Nothing personal but I don’t do a single thing for the NBA. Ever. Sorry.” The producer stood speechless for 15 seconds before Riley told him, “But I’ll help you out.”

Latest from Gotham: Knick fans still boo every time Patrick Ewing misses. Insiders say Ewing is still willing to return--as long as the Knicks offer $10-12 million a year. . . . Arvydas Sabonis missed a practice and was demoted to the bench last week--meaning four Portland starters have missed at least one drill. “It’s not frustrating,” says Coach P.J. Carlesimo, perhaps crossing his fingers behind his back, “because they’ve all been for different reasons.”

Fall of the Shack of Shaq: The Orlando Magic, which started 4-1, is 5-10 since, with Penny Hardaway expected to be out another month. The six-year string of home sellouts ended last month in a game against Minnesota and has dropped for each of the three games since. “There is no real light at the end of the tunnel in respect to when we can get everyone back,” General Manager John Gabriel said. “There are no firm answers. It’s just a matter of holding on until we get everyone back.”

New Hornet Coach Dave Cowens is getting 16 points and nine rebounds nightly from Anthony Mason and letting him go big minutes, but teammates are upset. After Cowens yelled at Matt Geiger in a victory at Philadelphia, Geiger yelled back, “Why don’t you yell at Mase some time?” . . . Allan Houston, returning to Detroit with the Knicks, was booed whenever he touched the ball and was outscored by Lindsey Hunter, 28-4. Also, Grant Hill, upset at reports that Houston’s agent, Bill Strickland, urged his client to leave because Hill once rejected Strickland’s overture to represent him, spurned Houston’s peacemaking efforts. “Allan called last week,” Hill said. “I’ve been around here for four or five months and no phone call. Then he’s going to call me a week before we play? I’ve been busy. Sorry, haven’t gotten back. What more can I say?”