Punch Lines

Musical Life: “Singer Michael Bolton is now recording an album of Italian opera,” says Rudolph J. Cecera. “In a related story, Italy has declared war on us.”

The Rolling Stones will launch their first U.S. tour in three years next month. “The news comes despite reports of a feud between Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. In fact, the new album is called ‘Grumpy Old Rockers’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

“Black Sabbath has reunited for a tour,” says Alan Ray. “The act is quite dramatic--smoke, fireworks, swinging lights. And when they’re finished with the hotel room, it’s off to the show.”

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In the News: The FBI is investigating reports that the Monterey County sheriff bugged cell phones during last month’s Hollister biker rally. “Valuable data was gathered,” says Russ Myers. “They learned that the most commonly used word in the English language is ‘Harley.’ ”

The UPS strike continues. “You can spot the union negotiating team’s cars outside the meeting hall. Each vehicle takes up three parking places.” (Ray)

Two British airline pilots were suspended after a flight attendant found the captain’s wife at the plane’s controls. “What could I do?” said the husband. “She was angry that I wouldn’t ask for directions and just took the wheel.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Atlanta’s ace pitcher Greg Maddux inked a new five-year contract for $55 million. The Braves have $85 million committed to the other three starting pitchers. Observes Argus Hamilton, “Only Iran spends more money on arms.”

At Kennedy Airport, 3-year-old Clifton Duplessy jumped into a cab when his mother’s back was turned and rode to the Bronx before he was discovered. “The cabby realized something was amiss when Clifton tried to pay the fare with Toys R Us coupons.” (Bob Mills)

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Explained at Last: “The alien spoof ‘Men in Black’ shattered box office records in France,” says Alex Kaseberg. “Now it all finally makes sense. The French worship Jerry Lewis because they think he is an alien.”

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Inside the Beltway: Al Gore was praised for trimming government size, says Hamilton. “President Clinton’s White House staff is half the size of President Ronald Reagan’s. Of course, back in those days they had to shred by hand.”

The National Institutes of Health says smoking pot may have health benefits. “The bad news is the researchers forgot what they were.” (Daily Scoop)

Sen. Trent Lott proposes that the walls of the Senate be done in a color that will look better on TV. “Perhaps the color of money would be apropos,” says Johnny Robish.

Ruth Scott of Upland was noticing her 2 1/2-year-old grandson’s new haircut and asked him, “Nicholas, where did you get your hair cut?”

“Right here, on my head,” Nicholas replied.