NFL TOP TO BOTTOM

1. Green Bay (11-3): Knew all along they would be the team to beat.

2. Kansas City (11-3): Chiefs have earned right to lose AFC title game at home.

3. Denver (11-3): Will have to take the wild-card route to the Super Bowl.

4. San Francisco (12-2): All the great names in football will be there Monday: Young, Montana, Elway, Rice, Mariucci. . . .

5. Pittsburgh (10-4): Players motivated to win so Cowher doesn’t get mad, spit on them.

6. Miami (9-5): Lawrence Phillips still has a chance to be the Super Bowl MVP.

7. New England (9-5): Patriots have more wins than Parcells--so there.

8. Jacksonville (9-5): One look at Cowher’s face scared them off.

9. Tampa Bay (9-5): Walsh now leads the Buccaneers--unfortunately Steve and not Bill.

10. Minnesota (8-6): Four straight losses since Green went on his book tour.

11. New York Jets (8-6): Parcells likes to be treated as deity; let’s see him raise Jets from the dead.

12. Washington (7-6-1): Janet Reno to appoint independent prosecutor to find out why Redskins choke.

13. Detroit (7-7): If you have Barry Sanders, how do you lose seven games? You also have Scott Mitchell.

14. Tennessee (7-7): “Home Alone 3” is based on the Oilers’ stay in Memphis this year.

15. New York Giants (8-5-1): “We stink, but in our division, others stink worse!” on the next Jerry Springer.

16. Carolina (7-7): Panthers had no chance to beat the Packers when they were good, let alone bad.

17. Dallas (6-8): Jerry Jones considers hiring Latrell Sprewell to take care of Barry Switzer.

18. Seattle (6-8): Jon Kitna played in World League, now takes step backward, plays Raiders.

19. Philadelphia (6-7-1): The NFC East was up for grabs, and Detmer and Peete threw it away.

20. Atlanta (6-8): Playing San Francisco’s schedule, Falcons have won four in a row.

21. Buffalo (6-8): Time to settle in for a long winter’s nap.

22. Cincinnati (5-9): Wilkinson announces he hates Cincinnati; apparently he has never been to Cleveland.

23. New Orleans (5-9): Christmas card from Mike Ditka must have been lost in the mail.

24. Baltimore (5-8-1): New stadium to open next year; no plans to call it Testaverde Stadium.

25. Oakland (4-10): Al Davis will signal plays to Tim Brown, who will relay them to Jeff George. No mention of Joe Bugel.

26. San Diego (4-10): “The Man Who Knew Too Little” has nothing to do with Kevin Gilbride.

27. St. Louis (4-10): A few breaks here and there and the Rams would be 5-9.

28. Arizona (3-11): Cardinals claim great days ahead with Plummer is no pipe dream.

29. Chicago (3-11): Team has lost two running backs with broken legs, thousands of fans with broken hearts.

30. Indianapolis (2-12): No truth to rumor that Peyton Manning already has been house hunting.