NFL TOP TO BOTTOM

NO. TEAM (RECORD): COMMENT

1. Denver (6-0): Al Davis is a genius. He knows how to motivate Mike Shanahan and Marcus Allen.

2. Jacksonville (5-1): Some people are lucky enough to win the lottery, others play the Cowboys.

3. New England (5-1): Bledsoe has asked the NFL to order Parcells not to glare at him.

4. San Francisco (5-1): Defense makes Mariucci look like a genius. Remember, looks can be deceiving.

5. Green Bay (5-2): Packers get weekend off. Mental stress of living in Wisconsin apparently too much.

6. Minnesota (5-2): Big deal, so Vikings are 5-2. If Green Bay can go 5-2 . . .

7. Tampa Bay (5-2): “BREAK UP THE BUCS!” Guys, guys, it was just a joke.

8. Kansas City (5-2): Big Thursday night in Middle America, staying up past nine o’clock.

9. Pittsburgh (4-2): Good thing the Rams have Phillips or they might be mad about losing Bettis.

10. Washington (4-2): Will play without Allen, Westbrook. So? They’ve been without a QB all year.

11. Miami (4-2): Would Jerry Jones take Jimmy Johnson back now?

12. Dallas (3-3): NFL has talked to Jones about L.A. expansion franchise; he must leave Switzer behind.

13. Detroit (4-3): Scott Mitchell’s getting real good at handing the ball to Barry Sanders.

14. New York Jets (4-3): Tuna Bowl II, or what else do New Yorkers have to get excited about?

15. Seattle (3-3): Seahawks would be perfect El Nino Super Bowl team.

16. San Diego (3-4): NFL rejects city’s bid to lift TV blackout to soften ticket rip-off.

17. Buffalo (3-3): A lesson to all you kids: Bills cut Hobert because he didn’t do his homework.

18. Carolina (2-4): Kerry Collins has been looking for his lost confidence in all the wrong places.

19. Philadelphia (2-4): Guess you could say the switch from Detmer to Peete is nothing big.

20. New York Giants (4-3): Danny Kanell? Tyrone Wheatley? Buster Douglas had his 15 minutes too.

21. Baltimore (3-3): Baltimore has asked for a Super Bowl. Get serious: the city, not the team.

22. Oakland (2-4): A Raider being suspended for conduct detrimental. Isn’t that a prerequisite?

23. Arizona (1-5): Cardinals finally get something to cheer about when their QB gets hurt.

24. Tennessee (2-4): Elvis ain’t the only dead one in Memphis.

25. St. Louis (2-4): Dick Vermeil cannot afford to age 10 years every time Rams lose.

26. Cincinnati (1-5): Have a nice winter everybody.

27. Atlanta (1-5): Chris Chandler vs. 49er defense. Close your eyes, it will be mayhem.

28. New Orleans (2-4): Ditka switches to Wuerffel. Too late now to surgically add NFL arm.

29. Indianapolis (0-6): This week’s Monday night TV host. Click.

30. Chicago (0-7): Time for Mrs. O’Leary’s cow to kick over that lantern again.