Punch Lines

In the News: The Mir crew plans a Saturday space walk to patch up some holes in the exterior walls, says Argus Hamilton. “The job had been scheduled for Sunday, but you can’t get men to work around the house when there’s a football game on.”

House Speaker Newt Gingrich said he probably won’t run for president in 2000, says Hamilton. “His candidness is refreshing. He said he can’t stand the part of the presidential debate where you have to let the other guy talk.”

“Government officials in France have at long last admitted their country is a second-ranking global power, behind the United States,” says the Olympia Daily World. “Now, if they’d only change their stance on Jerry Lewis. . . .”

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Around the Country: “Officials in New York announced they will spend $8 million to get rid of the rats in the city. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just vote them out of office?” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

“At 117 years old, Manik Bokchalian of Van Nuys last week became a U.S. citizen. After the ceremony, she told reporters, ‘I can’t wait to meet President Fillmore.’ ” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “When she arrived home and checked her mailbox, there was a call to jury duty.” (Bob Mills)

“Police in Dania, Fla., have arrested two parents for child abuse after finding their kids ages 13, 6 and 5 begging for money outside a supermarket,” says Bill Williams. “The parents stated they were just training the kids for future work for the Democratic National Committee.”

“Steven Seagal is going on tour as a country singer. I guess in addition to not winning an Oscar, he doesn’t want to win a Grammy either.” (Cecera)

Self magazine named Los Angeles the most fit city in the nation. The Cutler Daily Scoop explains, “The residents have to be in good shape to dodge the mudslides, fires and bullets.”

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How You Know It Is the Late 20th Century:. “I can’t believe the soaring gas prices,” says Paul Ecker. “The refineries must think most people work as co-stars on ‘Seinfeld.’ ”

“President Clinton is demanding an end to soft money, JFK Jr. chided his own family’s sex lives and Jimmy Hoffa Jr. is running against union corruption. Everybody is backward. We’ve got to fix that hamburger meat before Mother Teresa renounces her vows and becomes a regular on ‘Friends.’ ” (Hamilton)

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Valencia reader Diane Smith and her husband were going on a weekend getaway and leaving their two children with her parents. The night before they left, their 6-year-old daughter was not minding her parents. Finally, Smith told her she hoped she would listen to her grandparents.

She looked at her mother very seriously and said, “That won’t be a problem, Mom. Grandma lets me do whatever I want to.”