THE TIMES’ RANKING BY T.J. SIMERS : NFL TOP TO BOTTOM

1. Denver (3-0) . . . Giants have asked Rockies to employ Elway for final series against Dodgers.

2. New England (3-0) . . . Bear defenders will all wear Parcells masks to rattle Bledsoe.

3. Jacksonville (2-0) . . . First Monday night game here. Next year, indoor plumbing.

4. Tampa Bay (3-0) . . . Two weeks until Pewter Pirates’ showdown with Punky Packers. 5. Green Bay (2-1) . . . Brett Favre hands off to Dorsey Levens. Oh, the excitement!

6. San Francisco (2-1) . . . Do you watch the ball or do you watch Steve Young’s helmet?

7. Dallas (2-1) . . . The simple truth is, Barry Switzer knows how to win.

8. Carolina (2-1) . . . Teammates select Collins player of the game, guy teammate punched for using a racial slur.

9. Washington (2-1) . . . Westbrook for president, now that Gore’s got problems.

10. Kansas City (2-1) . . . Once again putting Middle America to sleep.

11. Miami (2-1) . . . Jimmy Johnson took Marino over Dilfer. Would he change his mind now?

12. Minnesota (2-1) . . . If it’s a cold day in hell losing to Tampa Bay, who better than the Vikings.

13. Detroit (2-1) . . . Who is this Barry Sanders guy unveiled by the Lions?

14. Pittsburgh (1-1) . . . Bettis left, Bettis right, incomplete Stewart pass, punt.

15. Philadelphia (1-2) . . . Rhodes gets in car accident, tries to put other driver on waivers. 16. Cincinnati (1-1) . . . More important, how’s Pete Rose Jr. doing?

17. Tennessee (1-1) . . . Fewer than 15,000 expected. Everyone else watching reruns of Volunteers’ game.

18. New York Jets (1-2) . . . One more miss by kicker John Hall and the Big Tuna becomes a hungry shark.

19. Oakland (1-2) . . . Jeff George takes a victory lap. You never know if you’ll get another chance.

20. Buffalo (1-2) . . . They wouldn’t mind losing another Super Bowl at this point.

21. St. Louis (1-2) . . . St. Louis, only 27 years left on that lease before you can make them move.

22. Arizona (1-2) . . . Let’s get ready to “fuuuuumble.”

23. Seattle (1-2) . . . How can you expect Moon to shine in a dome?

24. New York Giants (1-2) . . . Dave Brown has pitched so many shutouts he’s a lock for Cooperstown.

25. Baltimore (2-1) . . . Just imagine Super Bowl between Buccaneers and Ravens and no one showing up to watch.

26. Indianapolis (0-3) . . . Colts’ management wants fans to buy luxury seats. Offer to score a touchdown.

27. Atlanta (0-3) . . . Guess how many plays Chandler lasts this week before getting hurt.

28. San Diego (1-2) . . . Humphries or Everett? Maybe it’s time to bench the coach.

29. Chicago (0-3) . . . Rick Mirer now knows the Bears’ offense. So he won’t be upset when it doesn’t score.

30. New Orleans (0-3) . . . McGwire has better chance of catching Ruth, than Shuler of throwing a touchdown pass.