This Guy Is Going, Going, Gone!

Here are 62 things that won’t happen in the great home run chase, but would be cool if they did:

1. Junior hits No. 62. A guy in the bleachers knocks over a couple of nuns, rips the ball away from a little kid and taunts as he celebrates, but Junior is called out for missing third base, rendering the souvenir worthless.

2. Sosa hits No. 62; reporters immediately mob McGwire and Junior to see what they thought of it.

3. Mac has 61; he connects with a deep drive. The announcer screams, “GONE! MAC IS THE OMNIPOTENT MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE! YAHTZEE! Um, I mean, Jones has it at the wall.”

4. Mac breaks the record in Chicago. The fan that catches the ball decides not to throw it back. Not wanting to break tradition, the bleacher bums pick him up and throw him back.

5. Mike Piazza gets in the hunt by hitting 35 homers in September. He beats everyone to 62, but he gets traded to Arizona because he let too many guys steal.

6. Mac smacks No. 62 and the announcer says, “It’s outta here, anyway as I was saying, then Yogi says, ‘You better make it six, I don’t think I can eat eight pieces.’ ”

7. In his last at-bat to break the record, Sosa pops to short, but the umpires give him an unprecedented do-over.

8. Invoking a rarely used executive privilege, Bill Clinton pitches against Seattle in the last game to ensure that someone breaks the record to divert attention from the Lewinsky thing.

9. Sosa hits No. 62 and is immediately proclaimed president of the Dominican. He agrees to take the job even though it’s a cut in pay.

10. Sosa breaks the record at Dodger Stadium. The game stops while the crowd erupts for 25 continuous seconds of polite applause, then goes back to playing with a beach ball.

11. Mac breaks the record on the last day by going four for five with four homers. A reporter asks him “What went wrong with that fifth at-bat?”

12. Junior hits No. 62 to a guy in the bleachers who happens to be sitting next to Sal Durante, the kid who caught Maris’ 61st. Sal immediately starts lecturing, “In my day, we didn’t catch home run balls for the money! It was for the love of the game!”

13. Mac hits only two homers in September. After the last game a reporter asks him, “Why’d you choke so bad in the second half?” Mac replies, “That’s a good, insightful question. Let me give you a two-part answer.”

14. Mac hits No. 62 on the last day of the season--a called-shot grand slam with two out in the bottom of the ninth. The ball is still on its way up as it sails over the Gateway arch. It hits a meteor, deflecting it off a collision course with Earth. Reporters mob him and he says, “Why are you guys making a big deal of this?”

15. Junior hits No. 62 to a fan in the bleachers. The lucky fan runs up to the top row and gives the ball to a kid in a wheelchair. (That would be bizarre!)

(I didn’t make it to 62. Hey, I’m not Roger Maris.)

JOHN THOMPSON, Chino

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As an observer of baseball in the ‘90s, I know exactly what I’d do if I caught the record-breaking home run ball [Aug. 23]. First I’d make an insincere statement about my love for baseball and my loyalty to the guy who hit it. Then I’d point out that I also have to think about providing for my family. Then I’d sell that sucker to the highest bidder and laugh all the way to the bank.

ROB OSBORNE, Redondo Beach