Punch Lines

Sizzling Salsa: It was so hot in Southern California on Monday, “the Taco Bell Chihuahua asked Dr. Dolittle to shave him bald and dunk him in a vat of chilled guacamole.” (Jerry Perisho)

President Who?: Newt Gingrich is still thinking about running for president. He says he knows his approval ratings are low, but he thinks he could win if the political climate changes. “That would be quite a climate change. Like hell freezing over.” (Jay Leno)

Capitol Gains: Washington, D.C., now has a 5.7% snack tax. “In a related story, Marion Barry has declared bankruptcy.” (Rudolph Cecera)

Gamming It Up: “A new computer animated movie called ‘Antz’ is coming out. Big stars like Sylvester Stallone and Gene Hackman are playing the bugs in the film. In fact, Sharon Stone is supposed to be in this movie. This is going to be her biggest role ever. Look at all the publicity she got from ‘Basic Instinct’ when she just had two legs. In this one she’ll have six legs.” (Leno)


Runway Snacks: According to a NASA study, one in seven pilots flying commercial airliners falls asleep while in the air. “Which explains the stale peanuts. They’re not for eating, they’re for throwing at the back of the pilot’s head.” (Steve Voldseth)

Fowls Foods: There is a movement in California to repeal the 6-month-old smoking ban in bars and casinos. “This is an effort spearheaded by a coalition of fast-food restaurants, which lost business when former smokers were finally able to taste the food.” (Jeff Courveau)

Fountain of Beauty: According to a new survey, New York’s water was chosen as the second-best drinking water in the country. “Of course, the most popular water in the country still comes from Cindy Crawford’s bathtub.” (Conan O’Brien)

The Sports Hour: Producers say “The Magic Hour” is getting some tweaking. Magic Johnson says he’s going to relax and just do things his way. “In fact, tonight he’ll be coming out in sneakers and gym shorts.” (Premiere Radio)


The Morning Hour: Katie Couric has signed a $7-million-a-year deal to stay on “Today.” “Something to think about for those of you who say ‘You couldn’t pay me enough to get up at 4 o’clock in the morning.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

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