How Bowls Look in Cyberspace

Welcome to my first chat room.

November promises to be the most exciting month of the season, but also the most confusing, thanks to college football’s decision to turn its national title game over to a computer-weighted system that combines the best and worst of man and technology.

While you may think “maximum adjusted deviation” sounds like a back problem, it might be the difference between your school going to the Fiesta Bowl or Insight.com Bowl.

To provide better understanding, I thought it best to handle the voluminous influx of e-mail--some of it very disturbing--by organizing this electronic town hall meeting of sorts.

For purposes of this forum, my code name will be TIMESGUY. Do not try to contact me at home; I have Dobermans the size of small cattle.

All questions related to college football are fair game, though, so let ‘em rip.

NETPEST: Hey, do you have the time?

TIMESGUY: Uh, yeah, 9:30.

NETPEST: Thanks.

TIMESGUY: No problem.

BOULDERDASH: Is this bowl championship series computer idea working?

TIMESGUY: Tennessee loves it; Kansas State hates it. UCLA hated it last week but loves it this week. Illinois really hasn’t given it much thought.

KSUSUE: Why do you despise Kansas State? You still have them ranked No. 6 in your stupid poll.

TIMESGUY: I don’t despise the Wildcats, I despise their schedule maker. I don’t like the fact the coach, Bill Snyder, has loaded up on twinkies in nonconference games and built a national case by crushing lesser opponents. Fact is, K-State has the 79th-ranked schedule and has played one school ranked in this week’s top 25, No. 18 Texas.

As for the schools I have ranked ahead of K-State? Tennessee has defeated Florida and Georgia; UCLA has beaten Texas, Arizona and Oregon; Florida lost to No. 1 Tennessee in overtime and punked Georgia; Florida State beat USC, Miami and Virginia.

Texas A&M; led Florida State at the half and beat Nebraska, a school K-State hasn’t whipped since Nixon whipped Hubert Humphrey.

KSUSUE: Sure, but those are only facts.

TIMESGUY: Listen, if Kansas State beats Nebraska, Missouri and then Texas A&M; in the Big 12 title game, the ‘Cats will get more respect than Aretha Franklin.

KNOXVILLE KNATE: Hey there, which is the program to beat down the stretch, Phil Fulmer’s Tennessee or Bob Toledo’s UCLA?

TIMESGUY: Try Jeff Sagarin’s hard drive. His computer program may ultimately decide the national champion. Give the MIT math whiz credit for busting his way into the BCS fun house and becoming the second-most powerful man in college football

KNOXVILLE KNATE: ‘Fraid to ask who’s No. 1?

TIMESGUY: Lee Corso, of course.

HOOKEM HARRY: What’s to stop this Sagarin dude from manipulating his computer to give the edge to his favorite team?

TIMESGUY: The same moral and ethical respect for sport that motivated those student/athletes not to fix games at Northwestern and Boston College. OK, low blow. Actually, there are built-in protections for major deviations in the BCS computer.

You’ll know it’s time to call the Feds if MIT ends up in the Fiesta Bowl.

PASADENAPAT: How’s the Rose Bowl shaping up?

TIMESGUY: Beautifully. The turf has never looked better and they’ve replaced several thousand benches with comfortable individual seats.

PASADENAPAT: No, the Rose Bowl race.

TIMESGUY: Oh, that. Well, Ohio State’s loss and UCLA’s teeter-totter status in the BCS figures to give the Rose Bowl a familiar Pac-10/Big Ten look.

Should UCLA keep stumbling toward ecstasy, the Rose race may be extended to Dec. 5, when UCLA has to play that makeup game at Miami. It could determine whether UCLA goes to the Fiesta Bowl or drops out of the national title game and into the Rose Bowl, which could potentially knock an 11-1 Arizona out of the Rose Bowl and into the Holiday Bowl.

PASADENAPAT: Big Ten?

TIMESGUY: Thanks to Ohio State’s gag against Michigan State, the Big Ten will be coming west to Pasadena. Left-for-dead Michigan can make a return trip with wins against Wisconsin and Ohio State the next two weeks. Wisconsin clinches the Big Ten if it beats Michigan in Ann Arbor on Saturday.

And get this: Wisconsin could lose to Michigan and still get the Rose Bowl bid if Ohio State beats Michigan on Nov. 21 and Wisconsin defeats Penn State.

Ohio State, seemingly a mortal lock to play in the Fiesta Bowl last week, now needs a lot of help to get to the Rose Bowl: two wins plus Wisconsin losses to Michigan and Penn State.

SOUTHBENDER: What happened to Notre Dame in the Rose Bowl?

TIMESGUY: Ohio State’s loss put the kibosh on that scenario. If UCLA ends up in the Fiesta, the Rose Bowl could still match Notre Dame against Big Ten champion Wisconsin, Ohio State or Michigan, but that would end the Rose Bowl’s long tradition of matching East vs. West. Plus, the Rose Bowl could not possibly snub an 11-1 Arizona, bidding for its first trip to Pasadena.

SOUTHBENDER: So what happens to my Irish?

TIMESGUY: Fret not, the sun shines on the dome as long as the Irish win two of their next three games against Navy, Louisiana State and USC to become eligible for a BCS at-large berth.

Best guess? ABC bigwigs will use ratings king Notre Dame to shore up its weakest bowl flank: the Orange. The bowl has been plagued with poor turnout in recent seasons. The Orange gets to match either the ACC or Big East champion in its game, which means you’re looking at maybe Florida State or Miami vs. Notre Dame.

PASADENAPAT: Can UCLA win a Rose Bowl bid and still be disappointed?

TIMESGUY: You tell me. The Bruins can clinch the Pacific 10 title with a win at Washington on Saturday. If the Bruins then get pounded by USC and Miami, the Bruins get knocked out of the Fiesta Bowl but still go to the Rose. Whoopie!

HUSKERDUDE: Do you honestly believe Kansas State’s Snyder when he says he doesn’t know how the BCS works?

TIMESGUY: Well, of course. Snyder mislead the media? Unthinkable. Forget that Snyder, a classic micromanager, all but sews the patches on his team’s uniforms. Why would he bother to know that he might have helped his team’s Quartile cause by scoring a last-second touchdown in last Saturday’s 49-6 win over Baylor?

Snyder told Baylor Coach Dave Roberts after the game that going for the late touchdown was a “bad choice.”

No word as to whether Snyder will apologize to Indiana State (66-0), Northern Illinois (73-7) or Northeast Louisiana (62-7) for “bad choices” in running up those scores.

HUSKERDAVE: Do I detect an ounce of sarcasm?

TIMESGUY: Just a tad.

TBOWD: Are the head coaches from Oklahoma, South Carolina and Clemson in danger of losing their jobs?

TIMESGUY: Yes, yes and yes.

TBOWD: Is Lou Holtz interested.

TIMESGUY: Yes, yes and yes.

TBOWD: Shoot.

BYUBOB: Yo, TIMESGUY, who’s going to be the last 16-team WAC champion and has the conference found a bowl game that will take its champion?

TIMESGUY: What, is this a test? If you must know, I like Air Force to win the WAC--actually getting goose bumps in anticipation of Saturday’s showdown against Wyoming. Now, about that bowl setup: When the eight good football-playing schools deserted the WAC to form the Mountain West Conference starting next year, several bowls pulled the plug on WAC bowl ties. The last WAC champion can get a Holiday Bowl bid, but only if it finishes higher in the rankings than the No. 3 Big 12 school, which right now looks like Nebraska. Read: Fat chance. In other words, Air Force had better turn on the jets and zoom up those rankings.

BUCKEYEBURT: Did you see the Ohio State-Michigan State game? On the second-to-last drive, Ohio State ran 12 consecutive running plays. What gives? Should John Cooper be fired for not being able to beat a school with the word “Michigan” in it?

TIMESGUY: Yeah, strange sequence there for Cooper but, then again, this is November. Wonder if that quarterback coach put his fist through another window?

I read a quote from Ohio State lineman Tyson Walter, who was asked what he thought of the play calling. He said: “I don’t get paid to think like that. I get paid to do what they tell me.”

Probably just a slip of the tongue, but if Ohio State is paying players, maybe losing to Michigan State isn’t Cooper’s biggest problem.

HOOKEM HARRY: You think Ricky Williams can break Tony Dorsett’s all-time rushing record this weekend?

TIMESGUY: This hasn’t been a good week for Dorsett, has it, what with Emmitt Smith already besting TD’s career rushing mark with the Dallas Cowboys.

The skinny: Williams needs 204 yards against Texas Tech to eclipse Dorsett’s mark of 6,082. Williams has a real shot, especially if the stat guy in Lubbock combines his yardage with Texas Tech’s Ricky Williams. But I say Williams passes Dorsett against Texas A&M; on Nov. 27.

BBATFSU: Can FSU win the national title now that quarterback Chris Weinke is out for the season?

TIMESGUY: Doesn’t look good, unless Bobby Bowden has another 26-year-old sophomore quarterback stashed in the equipment shed.

BBATFSU: Nuts!

TROJANFAN: Who’s luckier, UCLA or Notre Dame?

TIMESGUY: I’d say Lee Corso. . . . Sorry, time’s up. Maybe we can do this again in Tempe.